Parent pro tip: Beware of the child who cleans their room without being prompted. They are about to ask to borrow money.
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I like that the doctor always asks if I’m a smoker. When I say yes, he tells me I should quit.
No shit? Thanks. Here’s all my money.
i got you a candy necklace for a present but then something happened so i got you this string instead
I noticed you just hit the snooze alarm. MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOWWWWW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW MEOW
WORM: Why do caterpillars think they are better than us?
OTHER WORM: *is drowning in a very shallow puddle*
Cult Leader: Our god must be appeased
Me: Maybe he’d like to be acarroted instead
Cult Leader: …
Wife: Omg I can’t take you anywhere
I’m sorry I stabbed all your tires, but in my defense you flirted with me and then said you were just kidding.
I was drinking water while laying down and missed my mouth. I get waterboarding now.
Just saw a pal I haven’t seen in awhile and she said she’s been busy with her psychic doing past lives regression. That’s not my jam but wow am I stealing that line next time I need an excuse for being out of touch.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
The term ‘monkeying around’ makes sense to me, monkeys are silly animals. ‘Horsing around’ pisses me off though, it’s very, very disrespectful… Pretty much every horse I’ve met has a job
Scrolling the neighborhood Facebook page after switching everyone’s political signs with the opposing party
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
*pulls pristine, luscious lips out of an ornate golden box*
“Actually, THIS is the mouth I kiss my mother with”
Red Skull’s name is pretty on-the-nose. How did his parents know.
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
You (irrational, cowardly): Don’t panic, but there’s a small fire in the building
Me (stoic, level-headed, brave even): *picks you up and uses you as a battering ram for my hurried escape*
The Shining is on…
…can’t decide if I should watch it or just keep living it.
me: looking for a dining table to enhance the ✨aesthetic👄 of my apartment
also me: egge?? 😮
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Someone at work said they saw me over the weekend and they said hi and I looked but just kept on walking and I was like yeah.
The cashier at the grocery store was flirting with my husband, and I’m a little mad because she didn’t even give him a discount.
[about to have sex]
her: put on this blindfold
me: I think a condom would be safer
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
Them: You have a debt to society
Me: Well they can get in line
Is there anything more embarassing than saying you are logging out for awhile only to return ten minutes later? No.
Will that stop me from doing it? Also no.
I’m circling the auto shop and hoping that my mechanic can hear me yelling, “BRAKES!”.
One reason I love learning other languages is you find out there’s one culture that has a word for like, “the feeling you’re going to put someone else’s silverware away incorrectly and alcohol is a factor” and you get to wonder why that became necessary to express so concisely
why is it called a caesarean section and not an escape womb
My girlfriend is so crazy she even traced down the girl who once kissed me in kindergarten.
If you know someone who effortlessly falls asleep every night, that is a demon. You’re friends with a demon.