Grandpa Joe’s all, I’m gonna just stay in bed for twenty years. Wait, a CHOCOLATE FACTORY? jkjk I can walk!
He’s my kinda people.
You Might Also Like
Gimme a cheese sub, hold the cheese
“Um, just the bread?”
No bread thanks
“I erm?”
Just butter my hand. And quit gawping I ain’t got all day
Impressing the McDonald’s drive thru people with my music is always a top priority
What kind of adapter do I need for this outlet?
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao
“Doc, my boyfriend & I don’t wanna get pregnant. He hates condoms & I think the jelly isn’t working.”
“What kind are you using?”
“Grape”
Overheard at work: “that is music to my ears”. Where else would the music go smartypants?
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Every time I have sex I hear sitcom laughter in my head
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
when i was younger i was interested in rapping, but then one day a buddy of mine and i were rhyming in my living room and my mom walked by and said “i gotta run, have fun with your little poems!” and that was the end of it
Librarian: can I check you out?
Me: sure [spins around]
Librarian: I meant your book
Me: oh yea, that makes way more sense
Herpes is trending, good job people
[physical exam]
PROCTOLOGIST: can you tell me how many fingers i’m holding up?
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
Girls adore it when you guess their weight as they walk by.
I got a pocket got a pocket full of sunshine
Sunshine: Please let me go. I have children.
When I die, don’t burn or bury me. Instead, skip my stiff body across a still lake like a smooth flat stone.
I hate when I see a friend and wave all excited but they just keep being a jar of peanut butter.
Alligators can survive for 2-3 years without eating. My personal record is 16 minutes.
“He’s gone too far.”
“He crossed the line between science & ethics.”
“He’s playing God.”-reaction to the amount of cheese I put in omelets
One time I hung out with a dudes friend so my hot friend could flirt with the dude and long story short I made him cry after he said that he got “stuck with me”.
I’m one whole face and body rearrangement away from being Scarlett Johansson.
I like to finish other people’s sentences because
my version is better.
[at Dr. appointment]
Dr.: yeah looks like you have too much acid in your diet.
Me: JESUS CHRIST DOC YOUR FACE IS MELTING
Doctor-requested food diaries suck. Do you know how long it takes to eat a Family Size bag of M&M’s when you have to weigh each one?
“Damn you, Autocorrect!!!!” – Mark Zuckerberg, who had intended to announce that he was giving away 99% of his socks
My husband talked me into cutting his hair and he thinks I did an amazing job.
Apparently it hasn’t occurred to him to take a look at the back.
[date]
HER: no more Scooby Doo imitations
ME: ok
WAITER: today’s special is baby octopus
ME: [Shaggy voice] zoinks
HER: I’m done
ME: ruh roh
At least men & women can agree on one thing: it feels AMAZING to take a bra off
They say, every transformation makes you a new person.
But they don’t tell us where & how to dispose off the body