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How am I gonna to break it to my wife that I’m leaving her for Erica749273674863485
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
According to hotel AC, the difference between 72 degrees and 73 degrees is 40 degrees.
My running form could be described as “drunk woman slowly being chased by no one”
triscuits are the perfect snack for anyone who has ever wanted to eat wicker furniture
Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
Had to use my safe word halfway through my performance evaluation.
Waitress: *laughs at my husband’s dad joke*
Me: DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHAT YOU HAVE DONE?!
No one makes fun of your unibrow if you’re a cyclops.
i once made an offhand comment at summer camp that got a laugh so i remembered it for a year and worked it into conversation the next summer but it didn’t get a laugh that year. so you see i don’t need to do stand-up, i’ve already internalized its lessons.
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.
genie: you have three wishes
me: i want 1000 ants to protect me
genie: you got it
me: psychic ants
genie: uh ok
me: make them as big as a blue whale
genie: dude what’s wrong with you
You: Cute kid. What’s his name?
Me: Kenwood.
You:
Me: I’m really into stereotypes.
Me: I grew a beard once & It actually looked just like yours.
Him: Why’d you shave it off?
Me: I just told you…
yeah jesus turned water to wine, but yankee doodle turning a feather in a hat to macaroni is next level
Irony:
My overweight dog can convince you she has completed 28 days on “Survivor” and NEEDS your sandwich just by staring at you.
And you believe her.
Do NOT look under a teenage boy’s bed, & never, EVER ask him why he & his friends are laughing.
– two things I’ve learned the hard way
Magician: “Think of a card.”
Me: “Okay.”
Magician: “You are thinking of the.. 3 OF SPADES!”
Me: “I was thinking about a get well soon card.”
The only thing I’ve ever made from scratch was dandruff.
HER: how is remote learning going
ME [sadly]: I couldn’t figure it out so I just got up to change the channels
“Have you tried divorcing and restarting your marriage?”
– IT Department as marriage counselors
[Married Pillow Talk]
Husband: Tell me what you want..
Me: I want you to take our kid to soccer practice tomorrow.
I’m so glad my kids have a 3-day weekend because that means I get an extra day of listening to them yell at Fortnite.
I’m as useless as the top two buttons on a Greek mans dress shirt.
LOOK WHAT HAPPENED TO MY DASHBOARD DUCK PFPFODKDDBDB
The most unbelievable song lyric of all-time is a woman saying “it’s raining men” and another woman following-up with “hallelujah!”
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
When someone asks me why I’m in a wheelchair, I want to say something ridiculous like, “I’m not standing up until my grandson gets a Golden Ticket to Willy Wonka’s Chocolate Factory.”
Back to the gym after a lengthy hiatus and noticed they made everything heavier, weird