Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
Me: [uses “yeet” in a sentence]
14: “mom. No one says yeet.”
Me: “Yeet is cringe?”
14: “MOM NO ONE SAYS CRINGE”
Me: “cringe has been yeeted?”[The glare was EPIC]
I think I’m about six months away from the perfect ‘before’ picture.
It’s no longer a Twittercide, it’s Xterminated.
This favourite snack may lower your risk of dementia? Jeeze I hope it’s big sandwiches.
I still can’t believe it when someone in the bathroom stall next to me is talking on the phone
I mean, who TALKS on the phone
*disguises myself as a baby so people throw cheese at me*
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
WELL, THEY NEED TO WALK A BIT QUICKER THEN, DON’T THEY?
I think that as a reward for losing 200 lbs you should be able to use all of that loose skin to become a human version of a flying squirrel.
SON: What’re you doing?
ME {scribbling maniacally on a sheet of paper}: Trying to find a solution to global warming!
SON: Cool
ME {slamming fist on the table}: That’s it!!
At this point I’m sure I’ll meet an alien or zombies before I meet the love of my life!!
Sure you may FEEL old, but did YOUR parents need a TV commercial to remind them you existed?
One cool thing about being 33 is that people who are 50 think you might as well be 22 and people who are 22 think you might as well be 50
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
Things I do to annoy my wife
1) Say ‘bless yooou’ in the same intonation as her ‘Atchooo’
2) Sing “Little red corvette… the kind you find in a second-hand store”
3) Bring her an empty plate and say “Oh no, the pasta got too close to the anti-pasta!”
TBC
Doctor: It’s really not that bad. I’ll get you fixed up with 8 stitches.
Me, uninsured: Do I hear 5 stitches?
4 dudes 1 kickflip #Skateboarding #skatetwitter
Can I still watch 300 if I haven’t seen the first 299
Say what you will, but at least both of my AirPods still work.
Probably.
If I can just remember where the hell…
Roses are red
Violets aren’t ferns
Since I’ve been with you
When I pee it burns.
Just ran into Björk walking into her hjötel. Ljöking fjörward to her show at Pitchfjörk tjönight (hjöly shit my Icelandic is pjërfect).
I just witnessed an employee choking on her noodles and now I feel sorry for her husband.
My husband cooked dinner for my daughter and me, or as he so eloquently put it, “Makin’ dishes for my bishes.”
Don’t waste your hard earned money on escape rooms when you can simply walk into an Ikea the wrong way.
[sees a dog about to get run over]
Me [dives toward dog & rolls to safety]: that was close
[sees a cat about to get run over]
Me: car coming
*wakes up the guy next to me* wow theres a sleepy boy here on this plane haha. Im on business myself. tryin to see if iceland is made of ice
“I was about to sleep but just saw ice cream in the freezer”, an autobiography.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today