She agreed to a second date but when I went to pick her up, her place was a Spirit Halloween. So now I’m not sure if she ghosted me or just stepped out for coffee real quick
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The fact that no one understands you does not mean you’re an artist.
Number of times husband has insisted a puzzle piece is missing: 434
Actual puzzle pieces missing so far: 0
Them: What year is your car?
Me: It’s brown.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
Safari Guide: *whispering* Folks, it’s a rhinoceros. Just back away without any erratic movements.
Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: Uh-oh.
Live, laugh, love, dress up like a clown and wander around the woods at night
[date]
Him: Would it bother you to learn that I’m married?
Her: Look, I don’t believe in bigamy.
Him: So size doesn’t matter either? Phew!
To find out your cat name, pick any name at random and refuse to answer to it.
Just found out I’ve been drinking straight up cold brew concentrate that’s supposed to be diluted 4 parts to 1, and now I know why I’ve been able to feel my scalp for the last month
gwen stefani really let us down by not spelling something useful like necessary or embarrass
Mornin. * use accordingly
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Biden: I found a cool new apartment for us downtown
Obama: Joe…Michelle and I are-
Michelle: [covers obama’s mouth] are so excited!
Your food is my food, but my food is also my food even though I won’t eat it
-toddlers
decorating my apartment
My Masseuse just read ‘Cinderella’ to me ~ That’s the last time I ask for a happy ending.
3 am phone call, “Hey, are you asleep?” Nope, Im skydiving.
“My eyes are up here,” I said as I clutched my burrito tighter.
Welcome to your 40’s. You now have to second guess your age as you can’t believe you’re that old
as you get older you make or cancel plans based on the weather. no sorry i can’t go to the store today, it’s too windy.
me: I just hate delivering bad news over the phone
firefighter: *staring at burned down building* ok but you still should’ve
Guys don’t want sex, guys want to watch a thousand movies starring Jason Statham as a former elite special forces assassin who’s trying to leave his past behind but is called back for one last job
It must be hard to judge a wet t-shirt contest. I saw one recently and all the t-shirts looked equally wet.
Wild bee: just getting snack
Me: no prob beeMason bee: just make house
Me: build a way bHoney bee:jus sampling the lavenders
Me: you know I got an assortmentBumble bee: hey *bonk* I jus *bonk* I h
Me: *holds flower still*Wasp: I’LL SEE U IN HELL
Me: U TELL THEM WHO SENT U
[Emergency Room]
MRS. PIÑATA: Will my husband make it, doc?
DOCTOR: We’ll do what we can but *slurping on sucker* he’s lost a lot of candy
“My parents refuse to photoshop me onto an athlete so I can get into college” #SpoiledKidsComplaints
Apparently, saying “Wow, you’ve grown since I last saw you” isn’t deemed socially acceptable when said to adults.
Me: I’ll never get married again!
Husband:
scared the mailman today by coming to the door naked.
Not sure if he was more surprised by that or that I knew where he lived…
I don’t get people who stay virgins until after marriage. Its like buying a car without having sex with it first