Walk into a random building, go to a random floor, step into a random meeting, and take a donut. Best donut you’ll ever eat.
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Kids at bedtime are like the song being downloaded on a dial up connection which has been stuck at 99%
Some people have goals based on a summer body; mine revolve entirely around the weight limit of my beach chairs.
No parenting book prepared me for “trying to dry a papier-mâché model of a red blood cell in your oven at 6am”.
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Me: “Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.”
Friends: “No thanks.”
Enemies: “Also no thanks.”
I don’t care how many stars this restaurant has, I’m ordering the grilled cheese sandwich
I’m not allowed in hot yoga – I can only get into he might clean up ok yoga
My wife trusts me with a joint bank account but when I’m loading the dishwasher she always walks in the kitchen “to get something.”
From a distance, I look like a regular dude. Up close I look like Picasso painted Nicolas Cage.
how is March already THIS WEEK, I’m still processing the industrial revolution era of 1820-1840
My 7 month old loves when we read books to her but she loves eating the books even more
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
I told someone I was 30 and they said “that’s okay.”
If you are going to call the cops every time you spot me in your bushes I don’t think this relationship is going to work.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
My boss: “Sean, what do you know about Twitter?” Me: “nothing. Why? What have you heard?”
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
I wonder if deer are sometimes like OMG THE TREES THAT SMELL LIKE MOUNTAIN DEW ARE SHOOTING AT US
The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
restuarants need to start hanging up pictures of their bathrooms outside so i know what im getting before i walk in the damn place
if you get famous on youtube you get ad money. if you get famous on twitch you get donations. if you get famous on instagram you get sponsors. if you get famous on twitter you get your tweets crossposted to every other social media with your @ cropped out
I admire my upstairs neighbours’ commitment to cleanliness as they fire up their diesel-powered vacuum to clean their hardwood floors at 11:43 pm
This did not end as expected.
ME: I have so many questions
SOOTHSAYER: forsooth
ME: Exactly lol
S: SOOTH
ME: Yeah so-
S: Sooth?
ME: You only say sooth eh
S: *nods* sooth
Me, at concert: [ironically] Freebird!
Band: *plays Freebird*
Me: Well that backfired.
COVID-19 helping people realise that some meetings can be emails.
My daughter wakes up everyday at 2:30, and moves from her room to the game room couch. She wants to be sure to see her brother leave at 5:00 for swim practice. It’s not to wish him a good day, but to see what he’s wearing so she can copy his outfit.