do my glasses go over or under a balaclava i want to rob this bank just right.
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Waiter: pumpkin pie?
Me: ok, …. darling
*spelling bee*
Me: b-e-e
Judge 1: No, sir, wait until we tell-
Me: B-E-E
Judge 2: I mean, he’s not wrong
Converstion would go :-
Tourist: G’day, can you tell me which way is Bondi Beach
Airport employee: Certainly. Its that way (points in a SE direction)
Tourist: Is it walkable distance?
Aiport employee: Not really
Tourist: Why!!?!?!
Airport employee: You’re in Austria
If you yell mosquito you can slap anyone in the face
5 year old: “That’s a big truck!”
“It’s a moving truck.”
“ALL TRUCKS MOVE.”
Why am I the one that feels like an idiot?
My toddler was babbling a mile a minute first thing this morning and my 4yo said, ‘I’m going to need pancakes if I’m going to listen to you,’ so he’s my stress management coach now.
Me: [practicing guitar]
Son: Hey, dad-
Me: NOT NOW I’M LEARNING CAT’S IN THE CRADLE
I’m sorry, I didn’t hear one word after you said, “pie chart”
justin timberlake: lose the “the.” just “facebook.” it’s cleaner
mark zuckerberg: wow. yeah
me: [bought the domain name “ back in 1997 and have been looking for my opening ever seen]: or what if we called it yogurt dot com
wife: listen you have to help me be accountable when it comes to eating better
me: no this is a trap i will not fall for anymore.
I feel bad when a fly gets into my house. I know that little guy is starving cause I ate and left no crumbs
Me, watching you order just one pizza and there’s four of us: I guess you’re an optimist
i hate it when i eat a slice of bread and it grows into a bread tree in my stomach
Twitter is perfect for extroverted introverts. I want to be social & have lots of friends but I don’t want to leave my house. Or wear pants.
Butter my backside and call me a biscuit.
I stopped experimenting in bed after the great honey disaster of 2015.
Isn’t
[Giving my kid some valuable life advice] If you’re having cereal for dinner, you have at least two bowls. Otherwise it’s just a snack.
Me: Whatcha doing on the PC?
Daughter: Looking at peckers.
M: WHAT?!?
D: Science project on chickens.
M: Oh.
D: You walked RIGHT into that.
Kid comedians are all like “any of y’all ever had parents? Shew God, let me tell y’all about parents”
No thanks, Genie. I’m not falling for the old “rub the magic lamp” trick again.
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
there’s literally no way to know for sure how many chameleons are chillin in your house right now
Asked my height at the doctor’s office today. I confidently told the nurse 6 feet (as I have my entire adult life), and she responded with, “Well, I’m getting 5’11-and-a-half” in the obliviously cheery tone of someone who’s decided to rip somebody’s life apart on a Friday morning
After all the tasty socks my washer has decided to have masks for dessert.
Whose idea was it to call him Michael Phelps and not Swimothy?
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
doctor: i have bad news
me: uh oh
doctor: u have scoobyditis
me: *whispers* ruh roh
7am – So tired I could weep.
12pm – I would LITERALLY kill for a nap.
4pm – Is it bedtime yet?
6pm – HOW IS IT NOT BEDTIME YET?
9pm – Perkier
11pm – Hey! Why am I not feeling tired now?
12am – WIDE AWAKE
1am – Reading ‘62 facts you never knew about Harry Potter’ on the internet.
“You lie like a doge!” I tell my wife.
“So deceit!” I add.
“Very fraud!” I mention.
“Much fiction!” I point out.“Wow,” she says.