Spelling bees. Why aren’t other competitions called ‘bees’? The Football Bee. The Great Cooking Bee. The Presidential Bee. Send.
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Sometimes, when I am matching socks, I think, “What if these two socks don’t even like each other?”
[Creating Humans]
God: Gonna add a small part in their elbows so if they hit it just right it hurts a lot.
Angels: Why?
God: Just like blowing up the Death Star.
Angels: Lololol.
God: I hope they call it a funny bone.
My son asked to go to an amusement park for his birthday so he could ride roller coasters.
We went. He didn’t feel like riding them.
We came home. He is now watching roller coasters online and asking when we can go back.
That sums up parenting pretty well.
her: did you bring protection?
me: of course [into earpiece] if she tries anything, take the shot
Sorry if you feel foolish, but that’s how sarcasm works… Einstein.
Even if I was bitten by a radioactive spider, I’d still be inherently lazy. I wouldn’t be out fighting crime, I’d just be slinging a web to grab some snacks without getting up from the couch.
[group therapy]
Frankenstein’s Monster: Nnaaahhhrr
Pavlov’s Dog: I know, right? They just couldn’t be bothered to give us names. Nothing worse than that.
Schrödinger’s Cat: There might be.
Got kicked out of the gym for setting off the smoke alarm while running in my corduroy shorts.
My sex tape is me laying on the bed trying to zip my skinny jeans from last year.
Holy shit he’s back
I’ll bet even homeless people look at funeral homes and think, “Nope. I’d rather stay out here.”
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
It’s gonna be interesting to see who the aliens enslave and who they let go free. I for one have always thought aliens to be wonderful and superior in every way.
It’s so magical how much rizz I got they call me the rizzard 🪄
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
Farmers who aren’t pro tractors, what’s your angle?
“I’m running 5 minutes late” = I’m running 10 minutes late
“I’m running 10 minutes late” = I’m running 20 minutes late
“in traffic” = just got in a car
“leaving now” = disoriented, not dressed, was fully asleep three seconds ago
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
I can’t name one person who is absolutely 100% useless to society
But my Dad did
[My Funeral]
“He died doing what he loved… saying ‘Cars have to stop for pedestrians,’ as he stepped bravely into the crosswalk.”
Can we stop calling it ‘Breaking news’ and start calling it ‘bloody hell what now’
*first date*
Yep. I like all the things.*fourth date*
And that, Sandra, is why I would not hesitate to kick a pigeon.
Me: Come quick! I’ve created a reservoir for pet Dutch rodents!
Wife: I don’t like where this is going.
Me: I call it a Hamster Dam.
Wife: I’ll be at the bar
She’s a ten. Keeps me dry when camping, easy to pack up and take wherever – hang on, being told that’s a tent.
ME: jesus preached about the virtues of forgiveness
STUDENT LOAN SERVICER: yeah, still no
[on the phone with wife]
Honey, who do you like better, Hulk Hogan or Jafar from Aladdin?
“Tell me why.”
[winks at tattoo artist] No reason.
*puts ranch dressing on chicken*
aww look at his little cowboy hat and boots, how cute is that
If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you don’t deserve me at my worcestershire.
A millennial told me that he and his friends weren’t on Twitter anymore because it was for old people now. I was like, “Finally, we won!”