Her: You don’t want me to get fat do you?
Me: Get?
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saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
The Harry Potter series is such bullshit. Like we’re supposed to believe a boy with an invisibility cloak ever left the girl’s locker room.
Autocorrect changed Italian to Taliban, so now I’m sure the NSA is super interested in my ricotta cheese.
I’m one of those people you see on Christmas Eve running around doing their last minute present shopping at the petrol station. Luckily my family really love petrol.
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: what sayst thou to me now? speak once again
SOOTHSAYER: beware the ides of march
CAESAR: wtf does ides mean
SOOTHSAYER: 15th
CAESAR: say 15th then
There is no bond greater than the one between a Tupperware container and marinara sauce
We get it, Japan.
All of your cats can skateboard.
You can’t hurt me. You aren’t an empty bag of Reese’s.
I don’t do exercise bc one time I kneed myself in the face doing a burpee
[First Date]
Sorry for the mess. My mother said pudding on a condom was important.
At my local supermarket, a clerk told me that their fresh shipment of toilet paper sold out in 15 minutes. People preparing for the shitpocalypse.
Our Summer schedule is now out! No one gets you to the beach faster. Book now.
“Wow, cell phones are getting ridiculously big.”
“That’s a smart car.”
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
She was rare. Like a rap collab in a pop song that made sense.
I just labeled the folder with my passwords in my computer bag “PW” rather than “Passwords” in case anyone wants me on their encryption team
Her: We need a three-way…
Me: How about Joanie?
Her: …bulb in the living room lamp.
Me:
Her:
Stamps be like “lick me and put me in the corner”
Based on how much my baby is attracted to bright lights and shiny things you’d think I birthed a moth.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
Saving Private Ryan but it’s just me retrieving my daughters favourite toy that she’s dropped down the toilet
I’m still trying to dig myself out my ringtone debt from the late 90’s
Mistakes can only be made by people who do something.
Flamboyant sounds like you’re floating but on fire.
They should have to tell you that there will be a 20-parent group text when you’re signing your kids up for little league.
Focused so much on my cupboard making hobby, that I ended up pushing my friends and family away. Now I’m all alone, it’s just me, my shelf and I
I’ve never bitten off more than I can chew, but once I put too much mouthwash in my mouth and couldn’t swish it around.
*walks into your house*
*sees doll collection*
*backs out slowly lest the dolls notice me and decide to attack*