Just saw one of those giant centipedes run though my living room so now I’m gunna sleep with a flamethrower and a full metal jacket.
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“why is millennial humor so weird?”
it’s called a resurgence of neo-dadaism, you uncultured filth. take an art class and get depressed
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
*94K tweets later* I’m really a very private person
I can hear every word you’re mumbling under the duct tape and yes, I will move in with you.
[Doctor’s office]
Doctor: “OK. I have something to tell you. I think you should probably sit down”
Me: “No thanks. I’ll stand. What‘s up?”
*I get mauled by a tiger that was hiding under his desk
Doctor: “I wanted to tell you my pet tiger gets nervous when people are standing”
So HR says it’s “unacceptable” to bring my lunch in a bottle and that vodka “isn’t soup”
A policeman stops a car…
Policeman: “Whose car is this, where are you headed and what do you do for a living?”
Miner: “Mine.”
me: you ever get half way thru a sentence and completely forget what you were taking about lol
bank teller: something about a gun
Make fun of my briefcase all you want but I’ve got a whole cake in here.
My 12yo just ate four pieces of fried chicken and a waffle for dinner, so I assume he’ll grow a few feet overnight
why would someone leave a hollowed out pumpkin on their front porch if they didnt want me living in it
“What seems to be the problem, officer?”
Everyone on this train is pretending like a hotdog didn’t just fall out my pocket.
If Ariana Grande made a lot of money selling designer chokers her song would have been called Thank U, Necks
If you dated Taylor Swift and had a bad breakup and then she *didn’t* write a song about you, I bet that would hurt even more.
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
“Are you really 43?”
Me: “who lies about being 43?”
I know somewhere my dead mother is looking at the news and shaking her head and trying to say to me You’re going to regret throwing those plastic bags and old rubber bands away.
Rose: I’ll never let go
Jack: are you sure aboat that lol
Rose: wow you make a lot of puns, I never noticed before
Jack: does it give you a sinking feeling lmaoo
Rose: maybe you should let go
Is it possible to be TOO moisturized, I wonder as I slide off the sofa, out the door, and into oncoming traffic.
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
I support this random dude and all his protests
Mozzarella sticks in the streets, mozzarella sticks in the sheets.
There’s never a bad time for mozzarella sticks.
Sorry I disappeared for 3 years, I was getting tiny pieces of styrofoam off my hands.
This pandemic has gone on for so long, I can’t even remember the last time I touched a doorknob or any kind of knob for that matter.
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
If you wanna get on a diet replace the light in your fridge with an air horn .!!