I’m a Gemini. If you’re looking for someone who’s the exact opposite of me, just wait an hour.
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SON: I need lunch money.
DAD: Get a job.
SON: I’m in 5th grade-
DAD: All I’m hearin’ is excuses.
I’ve been asked why I like dogs more than people. Short answer: My dog has never included me in a group text.
Remember, parents: your children look to you for guidance. Kids are dumb like that.
Accidentally made eye contact w/co-worker thru bathroom stall door crack. Didn’t know what to do so I blew him a kiss
Do you want a straw or do you want a STRAW?
Give a man a catfish and he’ll eat for a day. Teach a man to catfish and he can have Internet boyfriends in 7 different countries.
manipulative people really be like oh so now i’m the bad guy for being the bad guy
HER: my friend katie is single again
ME: so’s my buddy dave, we should set them up
HER: yes!
[later]
DAVE AND KATIE [talking to the cops]: we swear we were framed!
Some people weigh themselves naked so they get the number as small as possible, but if you weigh yourself with clothes on you can blame like 20lbs on your socks
[roleplaying]
her: this is weird
me: [dressed as lumiere from beauty and the beast] say “i’ve been burned by you before”
her: [dressed as the feather duster] no
me: my father shall hear of this
them: is he powerful and wealthy?
me: no we’re just close
My toxic trait is opening a message, then replying 10 years later when you’ve forgotten who I am
Your other foot. Nope. Still the other foot. You have two feet this isn’t hard. THE. OTHER. FOOT. OMG
-me watching a toddler put shoes on
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth
it’s cool that your dog can fetch & obey commands but my cat can vomit on the bedspread so quietly that i don’t even wake up and you can’t teach that sort of thing
Gotta love it when people get a half inch of snow and think the world is ending.
Canadian up.
Today, we celebrate German copywriters refusing to hire English speakers
The computer beat me in chess so I’m downloading viruses
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
Kid, texting: MOM I’M HUNGRY!
Mom: *sends food emojis*
Carrying around a lot of guilt for some of the recommendations I made when I worked at blockbuster in 1997.
me: having a blended family is challenging
person: you and your wife have kids from different marriages?
me: no, we have Android and iPhones in our family group chat
*gets bitten by radioactive shark
*the remaining half does not gain super powers
With all due respect, your kid sneezed on me first.
Remember when we thought “Any kid can grow up to be President” was a good thing?
My favorite actual friendly mom competition is when we all stand around comparing how our children have creatively destroyed our furniture, carpets, walls and homes
Out of all the places I could choose, a music festival would have to be my favourite place to perspire with 10,000 strangers.
I don’t believe in marriage but I believe in monogamy.
Or mahogany? Anyway I think this table will hold us but be careful. It was grandma’s.
I think we should hear other voices.
Blood is thicker than water, but rhinoceros poop is thicker than blood, so..