15: what do you risk becoming from taking drugs….
Me: …addicted
15: what do you risk becoming from smoking cigarettes…
Me: …addicted
15: what smacked you in the face last night?
Me: …go to your room
You Might Also Like
How long do you have to go without sex before you’re officially a virgin again?
Asking for me, I don’t have any friends.
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
This is what makes twitter great
I am grateful for the canned, boxed, frozen dinners my parents provided. BUT my favorite thing about having worked in kitchens for years and having the time and ability to cook great, from-scratch meals for my children is when they say, “Ugh! Can’t we just order pizza!?!”
[grocery store]
Ok, milk… Check!
Eggs… Check!
Tomatoes… Check!“Sir, can you wait for the total and just write one check please?”
Who knew that a fighter jet could be a flight risk?
@funTweeters Oh, wow! Thank you for adopting me into this incredible family of hilarity! Proud to be in such admirable company. 😊🙌🎉
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
I was in the grocery store when Vogue came on, and while nobody could keep up with my choreography, security did let me finish the routine.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Stay vigilante (if you see something, stab something)
I can’t find that mandolin show anywhere in the TV guide.
My onlyfans account is just me trying to trim my toenails and breathe at the same time
it’s “singles awareness day” uh yeah ok thanks I’m aware
During dinner 10 asked 5 to imagine a world without ketchup. She hasn’t spoken in 3 hours I think he broke her
I prefer to think in terms of “good” cholesterol and “misunderstood” cholesterol.
Parenting Tip: Wear clothing with pockets so you can flip off your children inconspicuously.
WIFE: I’m tired of you living in a fantasy world
ME: *imagining she’s Kate Upton* You always say that, Kate
WIFE: Who is Kate? WHO IS KATE?
processed food was literally designed for you to eat. organic is just some crap they found on the ground somewhere
Pluto takes 248 years to orbit the sun, or roughly one baseball game
“Thats a killer dirt bike you’ve got, man!”
*dirt bike holds a knife to your throat*
Believe me…I know.
I held a baby today. I was scared it would make me want a baby, but it just made me want to be a baby.
Live, laugh, wake up in an icebath missing a kidney
My niece asked me what it’s like to be an uncle, so we got a feral cat from a shelter, chased it around for a bit, then took it back.
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Me: Delete it!
Nightclub security: [rewatching the tape of a girl rolling the collar of my turtleneck up over my head while I’m talking to her] Lol never.
Curious George Turns Off Google Image Safe Search
I was stopped at a red light when I noticed the car next to me trying to play charades. I didn’t want to play, but I could tell they REALLY wanted me to get it! We all played our best game of charades. Got it before the green light. Turns out my lights weren’t on.