WIFE: He treats our marriage like it’s a talk show
THERAPIST: Is this true?
ME: *turns and winks at camera* We’ll find out after the break
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My wife accused me of spending too much time on twitter. That’s funny, when did I get a wife?
i handle all my disagreements like an adult
dance off pants off karaoke
To make a mistake is human. To admit a mistake is stupid.
When someone asks what my hobbies are and I try to think of something other than “drinking”
Me: You better not be making a mess in that kitchen I just cleaned
My kids:
“shake what ya momma gave ya!”
*starts shaking low self-esteem*
me: *notices the dog sleeping at my feet, slowly and carefully does the splits to get off the couch without waking her up*
dog: *instantly on her feet* I’ll get my leash
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
I’m crying and wearing a falcon glove so I get sympathy sex from people who think my falcon flew away.
Me: *watching Fargo* Hmmm everybody seems to mostly be traveling short distances
I couldn’t bear it anymore. Lol.
– Bear suicide note.
8: Dad you’re not spending time with me just cuz you’re getting material for Twitter, right?
Twitter Dad: No I love you, Pete.
Mike:
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Psychic: The one you love is closer than you think.
Narcissist: *looks into mirror* yes
Hotel garbage cans are way too small.
How the hell am I supposed to fit my 8 take out containers, 5 empty bottles of wine, and cake tin in there?!
if real babies started to emerge from cabbage patches I don’t believe we’d be so eager to adopt them
cause that’s creepy AF
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Thank God there is the super fit woman who constantly power walks past my window to remind me that I don’t want to do that.
Apparently, changing your profile to “Flirty, dirty and a little squirty” gets you kicked out of Christian Mingle.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
Friend zone?!
I’ve been sister zoned! And if one more dude pats me on the head, I’m telling mom!!
me: we have developed a fear of boy bands
wife: at the same time
therapist: in sync?
together: *screams*
[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”
Just a few more pieces of cake and I will be the world’s most sarcastic pillow.
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
If you ever feel shitty about mispronouncing a word you’ve never used in speech, then know that nothing could be worse than the way I said ‘banal’ in front of an entire company
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
Putting sunscreen on kids feels like cardio
My daughter said she wants to run away. We talked. She knows she can walk. I wont chase her.