[being introduced to a new coworker]
boss: this is ryan, he has 13 years of experience and comes from a very reputable company
me: *yelling from the back* WHAT HOGWARTS HOUSE IS HE
ryan: i don’t really see how that’s relev—
the entire office: *in unison* ravenclaw
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My husband ran for 30 minutes on the treadmill. He’s told every other person on earth and I didn’t want y’all to be out of the loop.
What did one ocean say to the other?
Nothing, it just waved.
Sea what I did there?
I’m shore you did.
Laugh, you son of a beach!
My husband knew he couldn’t scare me with that ghost mask, so he held one of my credit cards over the shredder.
Q. Why did the ghost’s dessert come back when he threw it?
A. It was a boo meringue
Not reading the replies to this
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
Husband: The kids shoes are wet from playing in the sprinklers.
Me: Please throw them in the dryer.
Husband: I don’t think we’re allowed to do that as parents.
Me: Their shoes, Craig! Not the children.
ME: sorry, I’m just in a really dark place right now
COAL MINER: who the hell are you
Why is tater the only food in tot form? We can do better. We deserve better. We demand better.
I can’t possibly be the only one who has wondered if the corona crisis could be solved if we all let ourselves be laminated
My heart says yes, but my ankle monitor says no
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
Everyone told me how great all the food is that comes out of an air fryer. I bought one and put it on my kitchen counter THREE DAYS AGO and not one fucking thing has come out of it. You people are all liars!
You say pervert with a telescope. I say biological astronomer.
“Are You Hugging Me, Or Are You Trying to Wipe Snot on My Shirt?”
– A Novel About Living with Small Children
Sex so kinky your foam mattress has to repress the memory.
Construction sites are dangerous places. I nearly blacked out holding in my stomach as I walked past one.
Me (answers phone): HELL-o
Mom: Hi, honey. Your Dad is trying to change the time on the VCR you bought us in 83
Me: Please leave a message
What I Say To 7:
“This is just between us”What 7 Hears:
“Tell Mom everything and please embellish it to make it sound 100 times worse”
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Never call it a guest room.
That’s just asking for trouble.
My dog went to the vet for a check up. they said they needed to get a pic for her profile.
I log into the portal to get results and THIS is what came up 😂
Actually, until you cut into it it’s chocolate *magma* cake. If you could just bring me a menu with the proper nomenclature that’d be great.
Been hearing a lot lately about bleaching your asshole. Do you just dump bleach over his head & keep out of his eyes or make him consume it?
All the guys in working out photos look like they’re straining or in pain, but there’s lots of pictures of me with cake and I look happy.
Cop: I saw you fly through that intersection
Me: the light was green
Flight attendant: that’s not why he’s mad
Stopped drinking coffee 3 days ago, and feel less and less addicted to caffeine with every new cup of my own pee.
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
[first time seeing Godzilla]
ok so where’s Jesuszilla
fully vaccinated and about to show the geese in this parking lot who’s boss
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.