I’m from a family of polite kleptomaniacs.
I take after my dad.
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You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
[1665]
ME:Make it enormous“But if I paint a red cross on ur door, ppl will think you’ve got the plague & never visit”
ME:Make it enormous
the guy who invented predictive text died yesterday
his funfair is next Friday
Whoever thinks money doesn’t buy happiness can deposit it in my bank account.
Chaos Theory or how my wife describes my dishwasher loading technique…
Guy who invented sheet music: I’m going to use dots and lines to represent notes
Me: couldn’t you use just use the letters they are named aft-
Guy: the swirly symbol will be different than the swoopy one
Me:
Guy: some dots will get tic tac toe boards
Sure, my kid likes horses like she likes everything else – for five minutes
The 80s gave me the unrealistic expectation that I would eventually see a mannequin come to life.
“Write this down.”
[Moses grabs tablet]
“Thou shalt not steal [raises eyebrow] where did you get that tablet from?”
Hand feeding garbage to my roomba when its battery is low
4: When will I stop growing?
Me: When you’re a grownup, like me.
4: But you still grow.
Me: No I don’t.
4: You grew too big for those pants you really like.
Me:
Her: I love a tough guy
Me: I’ve got some scars
Her: Ooh. Show me one.
Me: [pulls up shirt and points to bellybutton] This is from when I was born.
If I ever run into my doppelgänger I’m going to steal his liver.
Last-minute gift idea!
Think I nailed my job interview today because I wore a graduation cap to make it look like I graduated high school
I just lost all my tabs. Only now do I understand the tragedy that was the burning of the Library of Alexandria.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
Instead of getting annoyed, that stranger should have thanked me for tweezing his unruly ear hair.
When you have kids, “sleeping in” is just lying in bed trying to figure out what that crash was.
If you get a new job before you quit your old one, it’s considered responsible.
But if you do that with your gf, it’s called “cheating.”
I don’t respect Aquaman, because I can’t respect a hero whose arch nemesis is that plastic drink holder that you find on a six pack of cans.
turkey? Nope. I haven’t seen a turkey
“I’m sure this happens every time a famous person dies but I wanted to see if the library had any of his CDs.”
“You mean like… music CDs?”
“Yeah. By Shane MacGowan? The Pogues?”
“Oh thank goodness, I thought you were talking about Henry Kissinger.”
Co Worker- so are you a dog or a cat person?
Me- Ummm i dunno, i usually have chicken or steak??Sometimes shrimp?
What do you recommend?
First rule of Crocs club is no women allowed.
Women: You didn’t need that rule.
People:
I’m leaving Twitter, no telling when I’m coming ba…
I’m back.
SON: Daddy, I keep hearing noises from my closet. I think a monster’s in there.
ME: Yeah, why do you think mom and I chose the other room?
ME: How are you?
“I can’t complain”
ME: Maybe you’re not trying hard enough
1) Throw a ball of yarn into a fencing battle 2) Wait until the fight is over 3) Retrieve your fully-knitted sweater