It’s no coincidence that those really terrifying scenes in horror movies often use children’s voices
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ENTRY LEVEL JOB OPENING:
Hiring recent college gradsREQUIREMENTS:
5 years of experience, 6 Olympic gold medals, and superpowers.
My kids are having fun in that “Someone’s going to the ER” kind of way.
If everything gets better with age, explain why this dead body keeps smelling worse and worse
3: My mask is gonna keep my nose safe so my boogers don’t fall out of my body
Long story short don’t use sewing scissors to trim your nose hair if you’re drunk
I’m not a shout it from the rooftops kind of person, but I’ll write it on a post-it and leave it lying around for people to see.
Obvious red flags:
*he’s jealous of any and all carbs you eat, especially the breakfast kind
*he keeps pictures of celebrities in his wallet so he can mock their eyebrows
*he tries to control how you play with his dog, insisting she’s a level 10 necromancer
I’ve been texting with “Isla’s mom” for 3 years. When is a good time to ask her her name?
I like to think that all my unfollowers have violated their parole and been sent back to the big house. Just kidding, I hope they’re dead.
Hello, I dinged your car. The people watching me leave this note probably think I’m leaving you my name & number.
Signed, Guess Who.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
Stealing endorsements is not how you become the president of the United States, homie. Leave my name out ya mouth…
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
Remember that the most popular man in the village was its idiot.
I can’t explain it with science, but the older I get the softer I want my clothes to be.
Jim is short for Jimberly. The short form for James is obviously Jam
some stupid little amoeba decided to leave the ocean a billion years ago and now i have to worry that tomorrow is monday
Rick Astley is going to die and nobody will know about it for weeks because nobody will want to click the link.
who gives a shit about how many spiders you eat when you’re asleep? I’m worried about how many are getting into the other holes
[First day, CSI]
Inspector: “Who did the chalk outlines?”
– “Me sir”
Inspector: “Did all the victims have jazz-hands?”
– “Sir. Yes sir”
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Milk prices could reach as high as $8/gallon soon & at those prices I’m giving everyone the OK to cry if you spill some.
If you’re a squatter, every day is leg day.
What do bats eat that makes their shit our standard for crazy?
Debbie on Facebook tagged me in some game and said “don’t disappoint me” so I blocked her.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
birds are named like red cockaded woodpecker and black headed grosbeak and no one says shit about it
pretty sure the fire pigeons aren’t gonna care about your silly little sign
[in basement lab]
wife: you cant just make your own honey
me: (mouth dry, spitting pollen everywhere) I know that now Lisa.