*roundhouse kicks neighbor’s mailbox into street*
I DO NOT LIKE FAKE BARNS
You Might Also Like
Trainer: How often do you exercise?
Me: Not that often. Wait, does sex count as exercise?
T: Uhhh sure.
M: Ok then still not that often
ME: Hi, I have a 3 o’clock
RECEPTIONIST: Can I take your name?
ME: No. I need it for work
My phone told me my screen time was up 82% last week and honestly nobody asked you
BECAUSE YOU SHARED THAT VIDEO EVERY SINGLE PERSON HAS ABANDONED THEIR CAR AND RUN INTO THE FLAMES TO SAVE A RABBIT. THE RABBIT POPULATION IS NOW SPREADING FASTER THAN THE FIRE. THEY ARE 0% CONTAINED. I CAN HEAR THEIR LITTLE FEET COMING THIS WAY. OH NO MY WINDOWS ARE OPE
#inspiration #foodforthought
Reason 5,746 why parents drink- my kids are fighting over whose horse is going faster on the same merry-go-round
Superman comfortably getting dressed in a phone booth indicates he had the body of a 10th grader.
Captain America outsources much of his crime fighting to Captain India.
I love when SVU recycles actors years later as if I won’t know this is the same woman who put a child in an igloo cooler and set it sail on the Hudson in 1999
You sound unhinged. Let’s go get mugshots.
VW have got in2 trouble 4 falsifying data, apparently this is not d first time the Germans have been found guilty of lying abt gas emissions
this came to me in a vision
Unsolved mysteries are just mysteries
If I was ever told to “dress to impress” my first thought would be to get the Batman suit out
Co Worker: I’m a workaholic.
Me: Oh. My. God. He’s been drinking Workahol!!
[first day as a cashier]
customer: can I use this coupon for toilet paper
me: why don’t you use the rolls that you’re buying
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The bear scene from The Revenant, except it’s just me opening a jar of pickles
If a neighbor rolls up in a golf cart to your new house, he’s either the really fun neighbor or he’s your new HOA overlord.
*bangs gavel*
wife: who???
Dongle sounds like just one more thing in Australia that will kill you.
I would watch Real Housewives if it was like Game of Thrones and they would occasionally and suddenly behead one of the main characters.
[using tweezers to yank out a splinter]
*extreme rat noises*
AA Milne: Ok rabbit, we’ll call you Rabbit. Piglet, you can be Piglet
Bear: Wow, real original
AAM: [scribbles out Bear and writes Pooh]
I can relate to blenders because I also scream while I’m doing my job.
Me: *calls friend* Traffic isn’t moving, no exits, doesn’t look good.
Friend: You’re being dramatic.
Me: We are building a new society on the shoulder.
F: Seriously?
Me: I’m a huntress now. Hope I can provide for the village. Wish me luck.
I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.
Her: I’m leaving you
Me: Why though?
Her: You lie to me constantly
Me: Ha! You don’t just leave the man who invented the spatula!
Last night I head banged, lip synced, air guitared and air keyboarded “The Final Countdown” while my teen daughter looked on in horror.