I would be awful at debating I’d be like first of all you are being so mean to me.
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We Didn’t Start the Fire is a great song for many reasons, but one of the most underrated is, like all great history projects, it starts off super detailed & thorough until you realize it’s due the next day & you end up condensing 1963-1989 into like two stanzas
5-year-old daughter: *looks in the mirror* Can you get me something to match my cowboy boots?
Me: What?
5-year-old: A horse.
Student: I want a bunny, but my dad says bunnies just die.
Me: So? You’re going to die, and he had you.
*unfurls blueprint*
Ok here’s how I’m gonna make tonight about me.
my only real opinion on adam levine is that if he inhaled helium his voice would get deeper
*at Wal-Mart*
Husband: A couple is fighting on the cereal aisle
Me: It’s not us this time
*we fist bump*
I own a Delorean but I only drive it from time to time.
[Speed Date]
Me: Hi. Could you show me on this Venn Diagram where alcohol & donuts overlap in your daily life?
Him: I..
Me: Too slow. NEXT!
My hobby is removing unnecessary apostrophes from business signs in the dead of night
My next-door-neighbor is such a bitch that regardless of what she says to me; I simply reply, “You’re barking up the wrong tree.”
What do we want?
An Iphone for fat fingers!
When do we want it?
BOW!
while pouring my morning coffee it just occurred to me that the name of rapper/singer Flo Rida is a play on Florida, the state where he’s from. I’m starting to understand why I never got a response to my Mensa application
I love people who order coffee like they’re giving the pass code to a missile defense system.
Meteorologist has to be the easiest job in the world. Just keep predicting no meteors will hit us and the first time you’re wrong everyone’s dead anyway
Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a leg lamp.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Ok, but like, how married are you?
Oh sure, when the Fonz uses a public bathroom as his office, he’s “cool”, but when I do it, I’m a “creep”.
My job just drug tested my coworker but they took the hair from her wig 😂
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
The part in Forrest Gump where the rich guy decides to quit running and leave his followers out in the desert reminds me a lot of politics
White Castle for the Win
I can’t believe there was a time in my life when someone had to make me take a nap.
No, please continue to talk loudly on the phone, smoke & spit next to my table. No problem! I’m just going to follow you home and kill you.
me: do dragons eat treasure? why do they want it
google: we’re doing this again?
My husband is grocery shopping so I’m using my phone tracker app to make sure I stay out of the house long enough for him to get home and put the groceries away.
[trapped under avalanche of Tupperware that fell on me from kitchen cabinet]
*updates social media with selfie*
Bring food,
No weirdos.
no thank you I was a very bad child I don’t even like lollipops thank you again
Me: I need a new jar of thyme
Teenage son: it’s called an hourglass
6-year-old: *finds a picture she drew* Why was this in the trash?
Me:
6:
Me: It was too good. I didn’t want to make your sisters jealous.