Of course I believe you are God’s gift to women.
He gave us periods and painful childbirth. Why not you too?
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My husband totally underestimates my ability to participate fully in a conversation, yet not pay any attention. AT ALL.
I still think “nonfungible” sounds like it means “cannot be turned into a mushroom”.
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
4-year-old: Are goats real?
Me: Of course they are. I can show you some if you want.
4: *runs away*
Apparently she was saying “ghosts.”
I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience
I’m a kleptomaniac
It’s ok though, I’m taking something for it
Me: I’m nervous about dinner with your parents.
Wife: Why?
Me: I never know what to say.
Wife: Just be yourself. Say whatever is in your heart.
Me at dinner table: I hate all of you.
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
If a giant talking rabbit were trying to steal my cereal, I’d probably be too busy screaming and stabbing to call him “silly.”
ME: My favorite movies are “Batman” and “Annie” because I love rich orphans who can punch real hard.
THERAPIST: Wow yeah okay, that more than enough to start with…
Just thought of way to discourage teenage smoking. Instead of saying “Cancer” on boxes replace it with the word “Acne”.
[first date]
*pointing indiscriminately* “uh-oh looks like we’re on the Kiss Cam”
there’s no-
*leans in*
there’s no Kiss Cam at Applebees
Boss: hey greg meet your new coworker please don’t accuse him of being a dinosaur
me: I won’t I’m not an idiot
Coworker: hey nice to meet u I’m Ptery
me: *eyes narrow*
I just received a bottle of wine that was regifted 3 times before it cycled back to me.
So, basically, I bought myself a bottle of wine.
Just yelled “out of my way monsters!” at a flock of seagulls, so I’m done interacting socially for the day
People are always terrified of child birth, but they should be scared of the 18 years that follow. Those have to be done without pain meds.🥴
Parents: When you finish the chores will you please look for a job.
Me: [painting the cat’s claws] Still a lot to do unfortunately.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
do you think when firefighters blow out their birthday candles it’s just like more work to them
People make me sick, unless you cook them properly.
Waiter: what can I get you?
Me: I’ll have what she’s having
Her: two divorces then please
NURSE: Do you drink alcohol?
ME: No
NURSE: Do you do drugs?
ME: *sigh* No
NURSE: Are you sexually active?
ME: *just starts crying*
Starting another round of pottery classes. I may just be a beginner, but I’m feeling inspired. What should I make tonight?
a. A bowl
or
b. A bowl
That one onion ring didn’t end up in your french fries by accident. That’s Burger King’s way of flirting with you.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
therapist: what’s your earliest memory?
me: crying for my mom
therapist: so around what, five?
me: nine this morning
me: I should go to sleep
my brain: I should worry about a disease you might have.
my heart: everyone is mad at you.
my refrigerator: YA’LL SHUT UP CUZ I’M MAKIN’ ICE CUBES!