I’m like a cartoon character, not because I’m cute or funny, but because I wear the same clothes every day.
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In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
Special shout out to the CIA, who were pouring cold water on people BEFORE the “ice bucket challenge” made it cool
If you’re planning a family vacation to a destination that has beautiful ocean views and is kid friendly, make sure you don’t.
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
Parenting is easy once you learn the secret. For the love of god, please tell me the secret.
The earth is the largest rock that any of us will ever stand on. So I’ve never understood rock climbers. By standing on the earth, you have stood on the biggest rock. You are done. You have peaked. You don’t have to keep climbing rocks. Unnecessary.
Gravy boat.
Gravy boat.
All the dishes are on my son’s bedroom floor so I’m drinking coffee from a GRAVY BOAT!
My spouse is “attending” a virtual conference for the next few days. To help simulate the real thing, I’ll set out a picked-over tray of mini-muffins, soggy cut fruit, and some weak coffee, and then whisk them away just as he approaches the table.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
Monday: *exists*
Me: I didn’t agree to any of this.
Date: do you wanna come up for coffee?
Me: no thanks. I hate stairs
Date: coffee means sex
Me: how many stairs?
My advice to the younger generation: make your mistakes now. Because by the time you’re 40, you’ll barely even remember them! And then you get to make the same mistakes all over again it’s really fun
Whe someone says “you are one in a million.”
Remember the other six are the zeroes.
Shout out to my 3-year-old neighbor who went trick-or-treating again last night like, THERE IS NO WAY THIS IS A ONE NIGHT THING
You: *makes tiniest movement on sofa*
Someone: “you going to the kitchen?”
My boss has a rather shrill phone voice. I once spent 20m talking to him, before realizing it was actually someone trying to send us a fax.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Carrying a tube of pringles like a waiter presenting a fine bottle of wine
Autocorrect changed ‘get a life’ to ‘get a wife’ and now my daughter is a lesbian.
i need to stop taking melatonin before bed because it is giving me fever dreams. last night i dreamed i made a billboard #1 hit single and the only lyric i can still remember is “smokin on that shit that made gumby pregnant”
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
Tip for drowning your enemies:
Paint pictures of people yawning on the bottom of their swimming pool.
It takes my husband longer to choose a rental car online than it did for us to choose the names for our sons.
VILLIAN: all this money is mine
BANK TELLER: help us Velcroman, he’s getting away
VELCROMAN: *stuck to the floor* who puts carpet in a bank?
When I awoke from the car accident in a full bodycast, my wife was right at my bedside to let me know that childbirth is still more painful.
“I need a synonym for equivalence.”
“Synonym.”
“Yes a synonym.”
“Synonym is the word.”
“It is and I need one for equivalence.”
“It’s synonym.”
“I think that’s how I’m pronouncing it.”
“THE WORD IS SYNONYM.”
“Whatever, now will you give me one for equivalence.”
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Get married so when you pour your heart out, someone is always there to say, ‘what?’
If a snake ate a cake
ME: I want a koi swimming downstream
TATTOO ARTIST: Ah yes. That’s very symbolic. You must be very spiritual?
ME: Ya ha. Also, put a pop-tart in its mouth