The clearest evidence that I’ve gone insane is the fact that I pay monthly for a land line.
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I would love to ker-sploosh this.
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
I only do yoga so I can hold my arms up long enough to get my hair in a ponytail.
Talking to funeral home director:
Me: “I would like to have my mother-in-law cremated”
MIL: “Let go of me!”
*tries to be less adorable*
*fails*
Me: *slides note to bank teller*
Bank Teller: So….you’re not robbing us, you just want to take a selfie with “mad cash” on your face?
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
The person with duct tape holding most of their car together always has the right-of-way.
Genie: I’ll grant you 3 wishes
Me: I want to fall in love
G: OK next
M: With a really nice girl
*we both start laughing*
I think “Ur mom” is a sassy answer to any question.
Especially “Who gave birth to me” or “Who divorced my dad”.
[asteroid destroys earth]
God: *wakes up* hey I was WATCHING that
If you see a distressed woman in the street screaming that she can’t find her baby, don’t offer to help her make another one.
*steps away from meeting to send my sister a puking emoji*
Me:
Goes to bed early
Gets 8 hours of sleep.
Eats healthy breakfast.
Takes a hot shower.
Listens to great music on the walk to work.Colleagues: “You look tired.”
A haiku about getting the kids up for school:
Get up get up get
Up geT UP GET UP GET UP
Great there goes the bus
I wrote a poem: Dinosaurs, they used to roar, but… No more. Still mad atchu, meteor.
Well, if anything, the Mayans DID teach us ONE valuable lesson.
If you don’t finish something…it’s really not the end of the world.
Imagine how exciting the Tour de France would be if they added some sweet ramps.
Let he who is without sin throw the first stone. After that we’ll go by who has the birthday closest to today, then by height.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Hey! Welcome to Urban Outfitters. Are you a baby-sized woman or a woman-sized man?
I bet the guy who discovered milk did a lot of other weird shit too.
No you cannot be my boyfriend. I am going steady with bread & we are in love.
Her: So, what is your major?
Him: I study forensics.
Her: Dude, that’s just 10!
Stranger man at the beach asked me, “Y’all got a boat?” I said we have three, but they’re old Fisher-Price models.
It took him a moment.
Why is it that in horror movies, no matter how many times I shout at the screen, the characters never seem to listen? I’m trying to save you idiots!
Keep hiring mermaids, but they don’t clean worth a damn, the place always smells like fish, and they leave scales everywhere.
H: What is that you’re having for lunch?
Me: fruit salad
H: That’s funny, it looks like a sangria.
Me: huh, weird *sips fruit salad*