Cramming a band’s whole discography just hours before a concert just in case they stop the show and start quizzing me
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Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Moff Tarkin: Someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
As all of evolution expected, I’ve decided not to eat that butterfly with the angry looking eyes on its wings.
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
[brain surgery]
SURGEON (secretly a zombie): fork
ASSISTANT:
SURGEON: …over that scalpel
Obama: What should we do about Syria?
Biden: Batman.
Obama: For the last time Joe, he’s not real.
Biden: YOU’RE NOT REAL. *runs out crying*
“I’m not a fan.”
-air conditioner
Mom: What are you hiding in there?
-nuthin
[Vin Diesel noises from closet]
M: Is Vin Diesel in there?
-…yes
Vin Diesel: [from closet] No.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
One of the best things about painting a room is getting to lick the empty paint can when you finish up a gallon.
I can’t go on anymore dates so if you all could just decide amongst yourselves who’s stuck with me that would be great
I don’t want to whine about how muggy it is but there’s a smallmouth bass right now hanging behind my right shoulder spell checking my tweet.
He says it’s ok.
my youngest is about to become a teen so that makes me a teen mom, right?
Welcome to your 40s: here’s ten pounds.
Me before kids: How could anyone NOT want to play with their kids? 🥺
Me two kids later: Oh.
I always have an elaborate flow chart on hand in case people ask me “What’s the worst that can happen?”
I wonder if I’ve seen enough movies to be able to emergency land an airplane
Amazon: WARNING! This product will arrive after Christmas!!!
⠀
Me: Calm down Amazon, it’s just paper towels
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Well, like I said to my television the other day. “How can these people be so stupid?!?”
No, YOU didn’t tighten the cap on my urine sample
if I ever go missing, it won’t be hiking. you guys don’t even have to look there.
Dune (2021)
I miss @ddrwg again. Here’s a link to one of my favorite tweets from Sonny.
Him: are you an early bird or a night owl?
Me: I’m more of a tired afternoon duck.
I wish gyms had a “montage” option
am i a vampire? i :
– look great in black
– won’t come to your home unless formally invited
– avoid natural sunlight at all costs
– will die if stabbed through the heart with a stake
When a woman says “WHAT did you just say?” say something different.
my favorite part of nascar is when I vomit all over my shirt and car after the race., desecrating the logos of the brands that enslave me
My brain is a bad influence on me