[at my dad’s funeral after he drowns]
ME: *places a wreath made of a life preserver on the coffin* It’s what he would have wanted…
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Whenever I work out, I wear a push-up bra so I can do more push-ups. If I didn’t, it’d be so embarrassing and people would laugh at me.
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Them: What is wrong with you?
Me: How much time do you have?
Fact:
“Intercourse” sounds more like it’s about vehicular traffic than sex.
Broke out some old threads to wear to work today and was feeling pretty cool until my 12 year old daughter saw me and said, “What is that shirt? You look like the 90s,” then I knew I nailed it.
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
Was it because I listed you in my contacts as “Vacuum?”
Me, on phone: Hi, I’d like to cancel my account.
Cust Serv Rep: Oh I’m sorry, you’re not an authorized user.
Me: Oh ok, let me go grab my husband
Also me: Hi, this is Nicholas
Daughter: What’s a warehouse?
Me: It’s a man who was bitten by a house, and is then cursed to transform into a house at every full moon.
Daughter: Wow.
Me: *Nodding as I exhale a huge bong rip*
If I could live vicariously through someone, I would pick someone who gets to sleep through the night.
adulthood means trying to convince yourself the font is just too small and it isn’t your eyesight going bad
wtf? Somehow in the past 9 months, someone has snuck in & shrunk my winter clothes
Me: how much for the goth harmonica?
Store Clerk: that’s a cheese grater
toddler *walks by with a hammer*
me: What are you gonna make?
toddler: Noise
If you’re thinking of getting a hairless cat, go the extra mile and get a catless cat.
Them: you have such a youthful face! What’s your secret?
me: *plucking an auburn hair and burning it in the eternal flame while muttering incantations* oh I just wash it with water
The cool side of the pillow just offered me drugs.
Sometimes your ankle takes a vacation while you’re walking.
Every Independence Day I get a little bit disappointed when aliens don’t try to take over the world.
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
[First day as an exterminator]
Me: *pointing to giant, dead mouse on floor* He won’t be bothering you anymore.
Chuck E. Cheese Manager: OH MY GOD
talking isn’t enough. i need the therapist to backhand me
‘It’s the thought that counts’ doesn’t work on housework.
Good try though.
The worst part of eating dessert is when it’s interrupted by the nagging thought that it’s not healthy for you. So I eat really fast and beat the thought completely.
Watching my second grader type is like watching paint dry while also watching grass grow all while watching a pot boil.
Hot woman *points at my empty glass* hey, want another?
Me: Why would I want another empty glass?
[later]
Me *stops brushing teeth* hang on
Don’t feel special. I flirt with old people and family members too.
It is appalling how terrible little kids are at throwing things. Half the time that shit ends up going behind them. Get it together, little kids.
I’m just a boy, standing in front of a girl, asking her to help me put a bunch of ducks in my car.
Headed to a wedding but my wife said I’m not allowed to refer to the bride as ‘the veiled threat.’