I like to remind my kids who’s boss by putting a cherry tomato on top of their ice cream sundaes every once in a while.
You Might Also Like
Hogwarts doesn’t teach anything but magic because if one wizard learns law the school with a child-bludgeoning tree is the first thing getting sued.
might be residually stoned but i keep reading “moonfall” as “moo ‘n fall,” which sounds like the cow version of a slip ‘n slide, and god as much as i love disaster movies i’d much rather see cows having fun
My doorbell is the theme from “The Exorcist”.
“Alexa, lock the door”
– me to my friend alexa because computers locking doors is LITERALLY HOW TERMINATOR STARTED
I left my milkshake in the yard too long
And the boys got food poisoning
*Goes to work*
*Punches clock*
*Gets fired for breaking clock*
*distant Yogizilla noises getting louder*
[blind date]
HER: I’m a big dog person
ME {trying to impress her}: My middle name is Clifford
I just closed a browser tab by accident and yelled noooooo as one of my free articles for the month disappeared into the abyss forever.
When I die , I want to be thrown out of a plane wearing a Superman costume.
If a boy mentions a sport to me I use the opportunity to impress him with my sports knowledge.
For example:
Boy: I’m playing softball with the guys.
Me: Softball is a sport.
haha, we all make mistakes. for example, i ate some oysters that i found in the hotel hallway & now i can see my ancestors
I walk around my yard with a cane so my neighbors will never ask me to help them move something.
A woman on TV just said the great thing about cupcakes is you can make them with your kids.
Well, I still prefer flour, butter, sugar and eggs
I love how this restaurant keeps a fish tank by the front entrance so I can just reach my hand in and eat a fish on the way out for free.
My 5 yr old tried to smuggle a baby duck home from the farm.
Like I heard non-human noises from the backseat & had to turn the car around, drive a mile back, & tell the farm people my daughter’s going to rehab for animal trafficking & no, I don’t want to keep a duck for $5.
Sober or not if the police ask me to recite the alphabet backwards I’ll just put myself in the back seat of their car.
Hilarious if literal: arms race
After the loss of his beloved childhood pet Mr. Wiggles, Javier decided to dedicate his life to helping others avoid that kind of heartbreak.
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
Me: I love the way the rib meat just falls off the bone
Other surgeons: what
my daughter is never hungrier than immediately after refusing the food we’ve offered her
Remember, YOUR God is real. All those other Gods are ridiculous, made-up nonsense. But not yours. Your God is real. Whichever one that is.
Legally you’re obligated to say “I’ll be glad when all this construction is finished” any time you drive through construction.
Date: I know a lot of dance styles
Me: *trying to impress* Uh me too
Date: Any ballroom?
Me: Yeah, my pants are relaxed fit
Date: What
Me: What
Ribbon gymnastics class only it’s me trying to detangle the cord on my headphones.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
ME (pulling wishbone): I won
WIFE: what’d u wish for?
M: uh world peace
W: Nice
*human-sized bacon strip walks into kitchen* Hey, what’s up?
On a packed bus googling “how to tell the person sitting next to you that you love them”
This morning I brushed my hair with an American Girl doll brush because, apparently, she is the only one in my house who puts things back where they belong.