ME: These frog testicles are delicious!
GIRLFRIEND: Those are peas.
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Whatever happened to Lindsay Lohan’s twin sister?
Haven’t seen or heard anything from her since Parent Trap
“And I want video games and new shoes and….”
Satan: Goddamnit you have the wrong number!!
Me: *looking through a telescope*: Wow, the universe is so beautiful
God: *placing hands inside black holes*: Thanksssss, it has pockets
An 800 number calls me
ME: UGHHH!
The 800 number immediately hangs up
ME: (sad) hey
Was it something I said?
🎶Row, row, Robocop
Gently down the stream
Directive one: Uphold the law
I am part machine🎶
My relative’s friend posted this. Wypipo so desperate to make the #LasVegasShooting about brown people #LasVegas
“Our relationship is nice because we can sit silently and still have fun.” – cool thing to say to the person in bathroom stall next to you.
People who use the phrase “Correct me if I’m wrong…” clearly don’t know me very well.
I bought a bowflex, it’s very confusing, how do I muscles? do I eat it? do I eat the bowflex?
My password is ELEPHANT. It may not be the strongest but I never forget.
[2018]
ALIEN: take me to ur leader
ME: uh ok *takes him to president Donald Trump*
ALIEN: lol good one but seriously where’s ur real leader
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
People with nuclear weapons are now effectively calling each other poopy pants. I’m gonna stop coming to work now.
MANAGER: Great news guys, I finally got us a gig
BAND: Thank God! Finally!
MANAGER: *installing RAM* Yeah it’ll make this PC way faster
The worst case scenario, or as I like to call it, the thing guaranteed to happen.
it’s date night again and the other dried fruits are miffed
“can you explain the gap on your resume” can you explain the gap on your staff?
i just got a letter from my prison pen pal saying that he wants me to send him a live shark for his birthday
Sorry I lied when I said “I can’t complain.”
Me in my 20s: [faking it till I make it]
Me in my 30s: [still faking it till I make it]
Me on my deathbed: ANY day now
moms bragging about their kids like ok we’re just gonna sip our wine and pretend Claire’s kid didn’t just ask how many years she’s been 8 for
Doctor: Did you remember to bring a list of medications that you’re taking?
Me: (Snaps wrist to unroll a scroll that touches the floor.)
Spent most of my day helping customers find things at Home Depot…I don’t even work there.
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
Wanna stand off to the side of a golf gallery in a Teletubby costume
If I’m ever snowed-in somewhere hope it’s a place that serves mushroom swiss burgers.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
(second date)
me: [eager to show off new tattoo] remember how you said you liked garlic bread