My husband asked if I wanted to do something fun today so I left him home with the kids.
Marriage is easy.
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Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.
Me: Are you going to travel by ship to the new world?
Husband: Huh?
Me: Are you going to the witch stoning?
Husband: What?
Me: Are you going to grab your musket and join the minute men?
Husband:
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
A bug is just a bug until you put one on someone’s face.
The directions say take two of the One a Day vitamins and that’s why nothing makes sense in this world.
Turns out “pick the biggest one & punch him in the face” gets you more respect as a new prisoner than as a new 1st grade substitute teacher.
Whenever there’s an immortal in any story they always know a dozen languages and have a ton of varied skills. Just once I want to see a character just squander it the way I would. 900 years old, barely speaks 1 language, binge watching The Office for the 7000th time
Me: *petting my cat*
My cat: yes, this is great. Ok stop. I said stop. YOU HAVE VIOLATED THE SACRED TREATY THAT HAS EXISTED BETWEEN MAN AND FELINE FOR A THOUSAND GENERATIONS AND NOW YOUR HAND WILL BE DESTROYED BY MY PAW KNIVES.
If a panda was coming after me to kill me I don’t think I’d even try to stop it. It would be an adorable death and my family would have a great story for decades.
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle
Suddenly she was on her back, clothes strewn everywhere and her wrists bound to her ankles. She always had trouble hanging out the washing.
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
My tax refund was so big that I didn’t even have to dilute my body wash with water this month.
Sun Tzu: to beat your enemy you must become your enemy
Me [overweight; hungover; eating breakfast ice cream]: way ahead of you
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Her: baby I’m so wet
Aqua-Man: *looks around* are you joking right now
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
The valet at the park washroom isn’t wearing pants, should I tip more or less
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
Him: Your hands are as soft as a turtle’s armpit!
Me: We have to breakup.
My 3 year old nephew pronounces the letter ‘s’ like ‘d’ and received a very comprehensive lesson on the importance of the number six tonight.
Apparently I can’t enroll someone in anger management classes against their will.
Now what the hell am I supposed to do with my toddler?
What I said: GO TO BED!
What my kids heard: Start looking for a toy that was lost 5 years ago.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
Wife: Put the dishes away I have other things to do.
Me: ok
*Me loading dishwasher with wife watching entire time to ensure I do it right*
“HOW” – dyslexic owl
Bro: Dude, is this YOUR Shakira CD???
Me: What? No….it’s my wife’s…..
Hips: No…. It’s his…
Me: Shut up Hips!
this is going to be a tight week. is stealing still wrong and stuff?
A guy on Tinder just asked if I wanted to go help him catch a raccoon so I guess I’m engaged now.