If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
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Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
I guess when I thought that I would catch up on tv shows while recovering from surgery I forgot that my kids still live here
Pfizer: Our vaccine is 90% effective.
Me who always gets the lemon skittle: oh no
Lmao
*performs CPR on the turkey*
Baby sharks can hunt for food as soon as they are born and my children cannot find their underwear drawer.
“Daddy, what happens when we die?”
“You get married and have kids”
People say “you’ll ruin your appetite” like I have to be hungry to eat.
[invents time machine and goes back to the dinosaurs]
“in a few years its gonna be really cold”
*hands them mixtape*
“you’re gone need this”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
This is the most 2017 thing I’ve ever seen.
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Can’t, yelling at the map tracker for every wrong turn my pizza delivery guy makes
By the end of shelter at home, my house will be spotless. Oh sure, I’ll be drunk and confused, but so will the germs.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
I went to the local apiary to buy a dozen bees. They gave me thirteen and said the last one was a free bee.
My neighbor, when something bad happens to me: Remember, everything happens for a reason.
Me, when my neighbor’s packages are mistakenly delivered to me: [whispers] This was meant to be.
Emotional Fruit:
The Grapes of Wrath
The Apples of Annoyance
The Cantaloupes of Cantankerousness
The Plums of Pique
The Raspberries of Rage
The Bananas of Just Really Happy to See You
me: excuse me where’s your restroom
salesman: it’s for customers only
me: [doing the pee dance] ok I will have one ford explorer please
“He’s the hero Gotham deserves, but not the one it needs right now.”
A crab has one big arm because that’s the one he uses to bring all the groceries in.
I don’t want to pull focus from the Oprah interview but I am currently in a hot air balloon 30 miles off the coast of California and I have no idea how I’m going to get down safely
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Today on House Hunters, we’ll attempt to entangle Hugh Laurie in a giant net.
My legs are so sore from the gym that I almost couldn’t walk to the donut shop.
My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
Why are flashlights marketed with law enforcement imagery? Every time I need one I feel like I’m some insecure prick trying to act like Rambo. Why are they shaming my need for light that way?
wife: I don’t think our marriage can survive the distance issue
me: what distance issue, I’m always here or nearby
wife:
me: oh
Me: lets go get a drink!
Friend: what’s the occasion?
Me: …
Friend: …
Me: I don’t understand the question.
cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
me *tries to quietly open a can of beer*