Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
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Dexter is my favorite show about how hard is it not to stab dumb idiots.
I’m making chili this weekend so if anyone wants some, I suggest you make some too.
*watching The Revenant*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*
*rewind*
*play*Him: What are you doing?
Me: Taking notes for when I fight a bear.
If that earthquake had waited three days we would have a whole new major religion by now
If I don’t wake up with Britney Spears’ body circa “I’m a Slave 4 U” and a rich handsome boyfriend then I KNOW Santa’s not real.
My dad is Jamaican and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of our family holidays in Customs.
Sometimes when my boyfriend makes a racist joke I am like Ugh why did I even imagine you?
Standup desk? Sure then I’ll pay someone to whack me in the kneecaps too
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
[meeting with boss]
“I need you to go back and fix something that broke yesterday.”
“I DON’T EVEN HAVE A TIME MACHINE!”
“people online aren’t your real friends” tom hanks was best friends with a volleyball.
Being unable to recreate this high is why we all have depression.
If both of my middle fingers are blown off in a fireworks accident I’ll never be able to drive again.
My 3 year old just had a meltdown because I told her she had to be 4 before she could be 6. I haven’t broken the news about 5 to her yet.
When a guy looks at me, when he’s with a girl, half of me thinks douchebag! Other half hears don’t cha by pussycat dolls playing in my head.
Parkour was invented in 1973 when a guy tripped in front of a hot girl and tried to play it off
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
i just got paid $40 for a 9 second video of me brushing my teeth. i will never do anything for free again.
My friends are like “hey come camping with us this weekend” & I’m like “I can’t, I have to get new friends”
All men reach an age when we greet each other with “There he is.”
BUFFALO: I was only a kid. I showed Dad my report card. He smiled, hugged me and said ‘good bison’. I never saw him agai…oh, ok I see now
Ever sit at your desk and your hand automatically reaches for the seatbelt?
Just me? 😬
DOCTOR: I’m afraid you have “Updog”.
ME: Oh very funny. I’m outta here.
*dies of Updog four months later*
My 16 y/o plays this hilarious game where he loses something, accuses everyone in the house of “moving it,” then finds it under his bed.
If you’re able to roll over in your grave, you should save that energy for yelling and digging.
1818: My dearest Katherine, I write this letter in the hope that it finds you. It has been 3 fortnights since our last correspondence. I fear the lack of communique means you may have finally succumbed to the pox…
2018: Bro i texted u 10 mins ago u ded?
[kisses daughter goodnight]
Sleep tight.“Daddy, where do babies come from?”
Um, the Stork.
[stork knocks on bedroom window] He’s lying.
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
So, it’s OK if Robert Plant says “I’m gonna give you my love”, but I say it once and have to see HR?
It’s not like I knew my fly was open!
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie