If a puppy stabbed me in the face and stole my car, I’d still be like, “aww.”
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I’ve got a really bad feeling about this bathroom, you guys.
Thanks to whoever invented the mute button, because I can poop while on a conference call.
Hold me like a guy holds a fish in his tinder pics, baby
Great game to play with friends
Pretending that you’re feeding the garbage disposal like a hungry baby bird does not hurt anyone.
If you have nothing nice to say, tweet.
If I give out nudes now, it’s extremely unfair to the nudes I didn’t give out before.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Oh yeah I was in a gang in high school! Well not like a real gang, it was more of a Trigonometry Club. But we still flashed sines.
I don’t wear my apron because I’m never wearing clothes more expensive than the apron.
Wife: *falls in volcano*
Me: You ok, honey?
Wife: Ya. Can you toss me a blanket?
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Why do people knock on a locked public restroom door? And what is the person inside to say? “who is it?”
I just pooped my pants in the elevator. I’m taking this shit to a whole nother level.
I put my shoes on like everyone else. I beckon for my footman, Chauncey, and he does it straightaway. Your guy probably has a different name
Do what I say and everyone gets hurt.
My half brother moved out from living with his parents, and after a couple days, phones my dad and says, “I wasn’t sure if it was too soon to call.”
My dad, “Son, you moved out. We didn’t break up.”
Some of you people, plus the magic marker I ate earlier, make me sick.
ROOMMATE: While I’m away, can you get some mice to feed my pet snake?
ME: Sure[later]
ME [to mice] Come on fellas, pls just cook something
Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breastmilk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
Me: “Whose bra is that?”
Daughter: “Mine.”
Me: “Why is it on the kitchen windowsill?”
Daughter: “I took it off to eat.”
My son (11) was talking to his friends playing fortnite and I hear him say, “My mom is a big deal on the internet” to which one of the kids said, “Is she on Onlyfans?” And son said, “What’s that?” And other kid said, “Google it” and when I say I have never run so fast in my life
I think the key to happiness is having plenty of money and then telling all the poor people that money can’t buy happiness
I’d love to meet up with you but my squirrel says it’s a bad idea and I always listen to her
ME: When you think about it, shoulders are just hangers for our skin suits
WIFE: Ok get off me. I’m not in the mood anymore.
If you love her, shout it from the rooftops. Tell everyone around you. Tell the internet. Tell the cashier at cvs. Tell a hobo. Tell her husband. Whatever.
MTV has ordered a reality show to follow a group of virgins. That sounds very interesting and riveting and get that camera out of my face.
hear me out, a safari park full of giraffes called giraffe’ic park
My son kicked his soccer ball in to a rosebush & now I look like I got between Chester Cheetah & Tony the Tiger at a coke party.