toothpaste ads are like do you want your teeth to look so good it makes your friends feel like shit? and ppl be like hell yeah i do
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Client said she needs to “find her zen” during our mediation and I don’t think she knows that mediation and meditation are two diff things.
Asking if judges go commando under their robes is a sure-fire way to get out of jury duty.
Me: shit that alligator’s waving at me.
Girlfriend: you shouldn’t have told him that you’d see him later.
Me *under the table*: I was just being nice.
It’s taken 7 years but I’m beginning to see the correlation between my kid’s hyperactivity and his sugar intake.
If I apply for a job at the railroad,
will they expect me to already know how to do the job
or will they train me?
Kid packed for a 3 day trip to his grandparents with 1 t-shirt, 1 pair of underwear, and 7 pairs of socks. I have a few questions
“if anyone has reason why this man and this woman should not be wed speak now or forever hold your peace”
*voice in back*
does he even lift?
If I run my fingers through your hair, I’m not being romantic… I’m probably just trying to get chicken wing grease off my hands
Mrs goat: I’m pregnant
Mr goat: You’re kidding
Mrs goat: Literally yes
I want to get a welcome mat for my front door that just says “Text Me”
Boss: I want only essential employees in the office.
[next day]
Boss [looking at me]: why are you here
[forgetting the phrase “your honor”] not guilty, hammer daddy
If Anubis tried to weigh my heart to pass judgment on my eternal soul I would chase that dog with a vacuum cleaner
it’s so funny that the veggie used to make veggie chips is just a potato
they are potato chips
I’m going to write a book about all the things I should have done with my life.
l’ll call it my oughtabiography
You, idiot: Bill Gates
Me, a genius: Invoice Doors
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
Oh you think I’m funny? Name three of my jokes.
When an American says he has a side piece, I’m not sure if it’s a woman or a weapon.
Do you know where my mexican hat is?
– It’s somewhere bro..
Fine…a sombrero, but what I’m asking is have you seen it?
I’m getting mixed signals from this girl first she is like “sorry I’m married” then it’s “leave me alone I’m married” I mean which is it
When someone trying to leave me
All those years of karate training wasted …
I’ve never once had to paint a fence or wax a car ….
*sees a racoon in the neighbor’s trash*
I won’t say anything if you don’t.
*continues rummaging*
Hey middle-aged people who suddenly change your first name–screw you. I’m calling you what I’ve been calling you for the last 10 years.
Rather than changing the clock on your oven simply cook your food an hour ago.
I have determined there is no quiet way to get a pan out of a cabinet in the morning
Would u watch a movie about a teenage boy who screams “I wish I was dead,” but God hears “Deb,” so he turns into his 50-yr old neighbor Deb?
Texted my wife that our 4-year-old jumped rope for the first time. Later, she came home & said to him, “I heard you jumped rope today?”
He replied, “How did you hear me do that? You were at work!”