Pretty sure marriage was invented to help people overcome their fear of death.
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I literally got fired from a job for not knowing what to do with my hands when I talk. I guess sign language interpreting just wasn’t for me
[first day as coast guard]
Boss: 7 people died on your watch today
Me [looking off into the distance]: yes but the coast is fine
This is not my forté. It’s not even my threeté if I’m being honest.
eclipses are always a great opportunity to convince your young child that you have god-like supernatural powers and should never be crossed. oh you want me to bring the sun back? go pick up your toys
I won’t believe Johnny Depp is engaged until I’ve seen he’s put a ring, 90 bracelets, 7 scarves, a fedora and an ugly pair of glasses on it.
Oh I’m heartbroken over you
Wait, no I was just thirsty, I’m fine
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
Twitter’s original name was “Sentence Contest”
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
Don’t go chasing rainbows. Set up a rainbow trap, sit back, wait
them: what time do you put your kids to bed
me: as soon as possible
AVENGERS ASSEMBLE!
THOR: “here”
IRON MAN: “here”
HULK: “here”
PHIL COLLINS – “here”
…
ok Phil how do u keep getting into S.H.I.E.L.D man
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
me: alexa
alexa: that name was a fiction to hide my true identity, alizarin the demon god of fear and-
me: is it okay to microwave glass
alexa: for how long
billionaires spent their money on sex crimes and polluting the ocean. such bullshit. with a billion dollars you could probably get Jeff Goldblum to tuck you into bed or have Stevie Nicks put a hex on you. billionaires are so stupid.
Wife: But the zoo told you never to come back
Me: [loading hotdogs into shotgun] Those giraffes can’t live on salad, Eleanor
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
Pulled a loose string on my dress by accident and now I’m naked
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
If someone says, “right about now” and you don’t respond with “the funk soul brother” we can’t be friends.
My 9-month-old ate part of her sister’s math worksheet and now we’re waiting to see if she passes algebra.
I have, a really beautiful body
under my floor boards
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Me, wearing face mask. Flight attendant: “are you gonna be like this all night?” Me: “yes!! It’s the best mask ever. From Korea. Collagen! Ugh it’s called….Let me get the package out of the trash so you can see ok one sec” flight attendant: “no I just mean like, awake”
*holds flashlight up to face*
When I was a kid we only had one uncoated pain reliever that started dissolving the second it hit your tongue.
*3 millennials faint, 2 vomit*
All I’ve ever really wanted is a modest little home, nothing fancy. A usable kitchen, a yard for the dog, a sprawling bookcase-accessible secret Victorian library with a minimum of three rolling ladders and a kindly ghost librarian. I don’t ask for much.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now