Me: BEAN!!! Come here!
9y/o Daughter: Mom, please don’t call me that in public
Me: Beanie Baby?
D: Mom. No.
Me: Okay! *pause* Girl spawn, woul-
D: MOM!!!
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Him: you watch too much Food Network
Me: just enjoy your artisanal bread covered in a delectable berry compote
Him: its toast and jelly
Wife “There’s three angry bears at the door for you.”
Me *spitting out perfectly temperatured porridge* “Tell them I’m not here.”
My 11yo said if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have a twitter account, and I’m just glad he’s finally taking some responsibility.
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Me: so they don’t punish you at school?
Kid: they make us sit in a thinking chair
Me: does that work?
Kid: I already planned my next move while thinking in the chair
My daughter is writing a poem about our dog and she’s trying to find a word that rhymes with his name. Our dog’s name is Tucker. This will not end well.
Putting Mr. Bean in charge of the country would be a sweeping intellectual renaissance at this point.
Hot seniors in your area want to complain about the weather
Me: School is delayed. There’s too much ice.
5-year-old: *whispering* Thanks, Elsa.
inventor of the sword: [watching a sword swallowing contest] oh no. no no no
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Me: No guts, no glory.
Skeleton: Wow, I’m like right here.
If I was a little smarter I’d be aware of how stupid I am.
Daytime tornado warning: grab phone, radio, & flashlights, get to shelter immediately
Nighttime tornado warning: if I wake up in Oz, so be it
*first date*
Guy: I like a girl who’s good with money
Me: the city will bury you for FREE if they can’t identify your body
He died doing what he loved: typing his symptoms into WebMD instead of going to the doctor
Jill on Facebook is trying to find a way to get cat diarrhea out of suede boots and I don’t think I’m hungry for lunch anymore. .
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
Marriage Tip: never go to bed angry.
Go to bed planning your opening rebuttal for the next morning.
The hardest part of having multiple kids is explaining why only your first child has a baby book.
They might as well put “Uhhh…” in front of every item on drive-thru menus.
A broken heart won’t kill you, but it can make you feel like dying.
God: you’re man’s best friend
Dog: OMG! Love it!
God: yup
Dog: dynamic duo, partners in crime!
God: well..
Dog: two of a kind, 50/50! we make decisions together!
God: you live in a kennel in the yard
Dog: what
We’re looking for someone to eat macaroni and cheese at the end of our bed while we have sex. No weirdos please.
So, turns out the fig leaf is not appropriate apparel for the modern office, even on dress-down Friday. Who knew?
[Limbo contest]
Everyone: *Chanting* How low can you go? How low can you go?
Me: I once stole a guide dog.
*Romantically carries pizza over threshold
“sir, can i ask why you’re smoking TWO huge blunts?”
“officer, I’m…”
*turns to camera*
“double jointed”
*cop starts breakdancing*