I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
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Throwing away expired eggs like some sort of millionaire
Holiday dinners with family are like real life boss levels with the worst loot
Can i borrow your truck?
Me: no problem just read the dashboard
He’s an owl with an attitude. She’s a hawk who will take him to church. This fall, Sundays become Fundays on ABC’s new hit ‘Birds of Pray’!
The happiest dog I ever saw was a golden retriever trotting up the street one morning with an entire pizza hanging from his mouth.
It was just before camera phones were widespread. I parked my car and watched him, then continued on to work.
I was halfway to the state line before I realized the sirens were part of the song that was playing…
Sorry I had sex with your hot gardener, but in my defense, you did say that I needed Jesus in me.
I have an admission that will shock some people. It’s not something I’m proud of and I hope I’ll be given a little grace, but I’ll understand if not.
Here goes….
My hips have lied. Like…a lot.
WIFE: Did you get the baby their shots?
ME: Of course
BABY: [licking salt off wrist] WOOOO
My 5 year old said he’s not going to say a word until the bread pops up from the toaster so I unplugged it.
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimple
My brain: I will not pick this pimpleMy fingers: so we did a thing
i don’t always carry my groceries on one arm but when i do my keys are in the wrong pocket
the host of the party told me to make myself comfortable so I went back home to bed
her: i’m breaking up with u
me: we can work this out Linda
her: it’s Lydia
It’s like the only thing my kids learned from Snow White is that fruit is horribly poisonous.
Marriage is like a Rubik’s cube. One person is trying to solve the puzzle and the other one is switching the stickers around to win the game.
[first day as a ghost]
BOSS: ur job is to scare people
ME: ok
[later]
ME: *whispering to millennials* you’ll never pay off ur student loans
The law of children dictates that for every water bottle brought into your car, 37 more water bottles appear on the floor of your car.
Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg and some days you’re that guy who hit the propeller on the way down.
*Held up the grocery line because the card reader couldn’t read my Apple Watch*
Elderly Man behind me: (Exhales) Let’s move this along, future boy
The richest man on Earth quits his job and blasts into space and nothing has ever seemed so suspicious to me.
Think I’m just going to tackle the next man who holds the door open for me and put a ring on him. Like we’re married now buddy, congrats
Friend: Wanna go out and watch the game? We can get some food maybe.
Me: You had me at “get drunk.”
Friend: I didn’t say that.
Me: It’s a no from me.
Let’s get married and have kids so instead of using our years of education to change the world we can be butlers to tiny people who won’t stop screaming at us.
“I’ll never understand why people can’t sleep with a closet door open” I say while making sure my feet don’t hang over the side of the bed.
ME: 3 Big Macs please. lol it’s my cheat day
CLERK: you ordered the same thing yesterday
ME:[leans in] why don’t u mind your own gd business
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
College goes from 0 to 100 so fast. You go from just hanging out for a few weeks then all of a sudden you have 4 exams 5 quizzes 6 speeches and 7 papers due in 2 days