[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
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I said something about my Twitter friends to my husband yesterday and he asked me where they live (I don’t know), what they do for a living (I don’t know), if I know their last names (I do not), can I see a picture (sure!), those are cartoons, what do they really look like? (uhh)
[January 1, 0000]
Joseph: wtf just happened to the calendar?
Mary: so weird
May you never experience disappointment like that of finding unmelted cheese on the second layer of nachos
It’s that magical time of year for parents.
School picture day is coming up.
The day schools will pressure you to prepay for pictures that your kid will absolutely have their eyes closed in.
Always remember, if you ever need me, I’m just several phone calls and unread texts away.
Abe Lincoln: write this down
Mary: ok
Abe Lincoln: fourscore and seven years ago our fathers brought forth…okay read it back
Mary: this down
Never go grocery shopping hungry. Always bring a chair to the furniture store. Buy clothes in a swimsuit. I’m not clear on the rules
Dealing with your ex before driving across town in traffic is great for the blood pressure…
My 5yo is insisting weasels aren’t real and that I’m the one who told him that, and I did not know I was going to have defend myself like this before coffee
take me down to the paranoid city where the grass is hidden cameras and the girls are all talking about me.
Women can detect even the smallest of lies, but on TV they tell them they can lose 20 pounds in 5 days and they believe it all.
If People Rode Dinosaurs Instead of Walked.
(2022)
Over 400 billion people a year are victims of exaggerated statistics.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
ME (an armchair psychiatrist): I think you’re crazy
ARMCHAIR:
Actually, you don’t need to buy a woman a whole bouquet of kittens. A lot of the time a single long stem kitten is all she really wants.
In RL I’m a car salesman. Which means its my job to know how many bodies fit in the trunk of a car officer. This is all work related.
You are the wind beneath my overly-sensitive, motion-activated floodlight.
I wonder how much time Han Solo spent just brushing Chewie’s fur and talking about their aspirations
Lately I have the attention span of wait what
Jesus loves you.
But only as a friend.
cop searching my car and finding little notes i hid everywhere that say i love the police
“..and no one ever saw Kevin alive again.”
Some people around here retweet like it’s coming out of their booze allowance.
Ancestors survived five mass extinctions on earth for me to be killed by a house cat I was trying to put a christmas sweater on.
when food packaging says “store in a cool, dry place” like ah i guess the mossy cave is out then
Went on a family vacation and 80% of the pics are my 11yo looking like her dog just died
Maps used to say cool stuff like “Here Be Dragons.” Now they just say bullshit like “Portugal.”
Who called them varicose and not insane in the leg vein?