Friendship: because I’ve said many dumb things & you acted like they were TED talks
You Might Also Like
We should be broadcasting across the universe that beer is deadly to humans. Then when aliens show up with their beer cannons, we can party while we steal their cool spaceships.
detective: this’ll make you talk
suspect: a banana?
detective: *starts chewing*
suspect: *crying* omg peel it
* Finds what I’m looking for
* Can’t remember why I was looking
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Just pulled my classic move of not replying to a text immediately to avoid looking desperate and the forgetting to ever reply to it, making me look unreliable instead.
When I say “I’m going to bathroom brb”, my dogs hear “gather up, it’s showtime!”
Love the deli paper on the doctor’s table. Mmm I’m a sick little sandwich
If you are ever a dog, just refuse to eat for like two days, and after that, your person will be so happy you are eating, you will get as much chicken as you like
My boss gave me an assignment and told me to “give it the old college try”, so now I’m skipping class and doing a keg stand.
I am not above nurturing our friendship for years just to get that secret family recipe.
Toddlers & Ghosts
-haunt you at all hours
-lots of moaning/screaming
-unclear motives
-not helpful with housework
-randomly open cupboards
People are like snowflakes: I can’t talk to them.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
Mark Wahlberg’s mom: Marky Mark! It’s time for a snacky snacky before you take a nappy nap.
Mark Wahlberg: Jesus, mom. I’m 44. What snack?
Here’s a little song I wrote about the birds in the bush outside my bedroom window it’s called “I’m Wide Awake and Angry at 4 AM” and a one and a two
Taco Bell: try this new thing
Me: what is it
TB: does it matter
Me: no I’ll take 3
COP: let’s see some ID sir
ME: *hands him the little sticker from my lemon*
COP: this ain’t gonna cut it bud
ME: fine *hands him the lemon*
Why is it when someone asks if you’ve lost weight you immediately feel like eating a dozen donuts to celebrate.
[buying a wood chipper]
ME: So does blood splatter everywhere when a body goes in?
SALESMAN: What?
ME: What?
I need you guys to take my phone away from me. It’ll probably take a couple of you to do it. I’m a biter.
“i used to live in india, now I live in indiana”
“is there a difference?”
“na”
Barber: How do you want it?
Me [gets the same haircut every time]: UUUUUUUUUUUUUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH
Him: Mmm…you smell like a bakery.
Me: I just ate 14 croissants.
She said to take her to one of those restaurants where they make the food right in front of you….
~ Can you believe she walked out the Subway with an attitude!!
People always ask, would you rather be right or happy? I have always found I’m happiest when I’m right!
Coworker : I just like to go with the flow.
Me : Flow away, I’m busy.
me to a cat or dog: and are you the best baby? the fluffiest? are you the babiest baby of them all? do you get stopped every day and asked about how it feels to be a baby?
me to a real, human baby: good afternoon. i appreciate your small shoes.
[cross-country trip]
me: can you take over for a while, i am going to lie down in the back and take a nap
passenger: sir i’m not licensed to drive a bus
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
Doctor: Congrats! It’s a boy. What are you gonna name him?
Me: *throwing up*
Doctor: Ralph it is then.