You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
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You have to listen to the babysitter, I say to my kids as if they listen to me
“astrology isn’t real” bro we’re on a spinning rock and we have to pay for water. nothing is “real”.
I was very concerned with my Grandma today
*grabbing my own shoulders and shaking myself* PLEASE, for the love of god, just tell me what you want
[pediatricians office]
8, after the flu vaccine: Daddy, now I can tell my whole class I got shot!
Me: Please don’t say it like that.
“The powder |
“The pow|
“The power |
“The power of Cheese |
“The power of Ch|
“The power of Christ compels you!”– The AutocorrExorcist
He asked me to use smaller words, so I pat him on the head as I said “bye-bye”.
There’s a new trend in China where people make and eat spiceless “white people lunch”, as form of self torture.
And their commentary has me crying 😭
me: what do you know about atoms?
friend: very little
me: besides that
My Jehovah Witness girlfriend dumped me this new year, but I’m not that worried though.
She’ll come back knocking!!!
No I don’t have Tourette’s. I just stubbed my toe
*after spending a solid 15 minutes listening to someone describe a tv show I’ll never watch*
I’ll definitely check it out.
There are zero recorded incidents
of mountain lions attacking
someone running
to the fridge for a snack.
I miss walking my dog on July 5th, wondering if I’ll have to wrestle a blown off finger from him.
What’s it called when you plant a ghost pepper plant and when it starts making peppers you don’t eat them because you’re afraid they’ll be too hot?
I’m that
After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
Talk to your kids about drugs.
Always stay informed about what drug is cool. You don’t wanna be a nerd parent.
If you bring a child into a store and give that child a whistle, just know everyone in there will be a suspect in your murder.
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
Whenever an automatic hand dryer doesn’t turn on for me, I like to think my diet is really working.
I would describe the cologne on the guy who was just in the elevator with me as “all of it.”
i got 99 problems and being upside down ain’t one
ok wait i got 66 problems
last night i was walking frankie and she started sniffing the air rly intently so i let her follow the trail cause i was like omg what if it’s a missing person?? we could save them!!! but no, it was a grilled cheese sandwich in a bush 😔
I saw my shadow this morning and it looks like I have six more weeks of dieting.
when your pet decides to sleep on your bed
Million dollar idea: A Walmart, but with more than one register open
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
I see all my neighbors out there mowing their lawns and I wonder if they’d come do mine also.