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GENIE: you have 3 fishes
ME: you mean wishes, right?
GENIE: times are tough
ME:
GENIE:
ME:
GENIE:
ME: I’ll take two mackerel and a goldfish
Feeling adventurous? When your wife calls you, text her “He’s busy” and then switch off the cellphone.
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
I started this account 7 years ago today. I just want to thank all of you for reading my stuff and never showing up to my house.
People buying plungers never look like they’re in a good mood.
So, Facebook is celebrating its 10th birthday. What do you buy for the social media app that makes you hate everyone?
My favourite childhood memory is not paying bills
I’m totally winning this weight watchers thing! I’ve eaten more points than everyone!!!
I hope I’m doing this right…
A boy made a bet with my daughter that whoever gets a lower score on their final exam has to buy the other one ice cream, and I have to give the kid credit because it looks like this “bet” may really be a “date.”
Beerventory: Verb. The act of checking how many beers ya got BEFORE you start drinking to avoid running out when you can’t drive for more.
My 7YO: (eats a triple ice cream cone, rides a pony, swims with dolphins, gets a new video game) mom, can I have this candy car?
Me: Wait til after dinner
Him: THIS IS THE WORST DAY EVER!
Keep your friends close but your potential organ donors closer.
aliens probably fly past earth and lock their doors
Airbud was on a human basketball team. I want to see a human running as a dog on a sled dog team.
I’m so damn good at making people mad that even the Dalai Lama would stop meditating to scream at me
My husband let me sleep late and in that time he cleaned the kitchen, installed a new faucet, and took out the trash.
I don’t know what he did wrong, but frankly, I don’t mind if he keeps doing it.
Me: How do I really create a high
income? How do I pay taxes? How
do I buy a new house?School:
Well actually, Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Cashier: Your total is $2,334.00.
Me: Can you take off the avocado?
Cashier: Okay, that will be $2.00.
true crime documentaries are like “this serial killer had to have been a SOPHISTICATED GENIUS! after all, how else could they have outwitted a small-town police department in northern minnesota???”
It takes a long time to delete 900 million dollars worth of stuff from an Amazon shopping cart.
If youre giving mouth-to-mouth, and you don’t want to get germs, you can put a harmonica between your lips and the victim’s
Astrogeologists: do telescope/remote sensing on distant objects.
Astrologists: use horoscope/do not remotely make sense/object when dissed.
I just found out that the only thing you need to apply for a marriage license is your ID and an idiot.
My wife asked me to name off all my sexual partners in order.
I should probably have stopped when I got to her name
Kinda weird that you can’t tickle yourself, but masturbation works.
1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
I love drinking games…. except the one where you have to try to walk a straight line while saying the ABCs backwards
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage