road expansion addicts be like “just one more lane bro i promise traffic will be fixed, just one more i can stop whenever”
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It’s fun finding love notes my wife hides around the house, it would be even better if they were for me
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
GUY ON TV: I’m going to show you how to make something today
ME [fingers crossed] please be a friend
When I’m washing dishes and someone puts another plate in the sink.
Bike is short for Bichael.
My 17yo son made me do 40 seconds of star jumps in the garden to help me ‘keep fit’.
In return I made him no dinner to help him ‘keep slim’.
When you’re feeling frisky and shaved up to your knee.
[tornado warning]
*locks children and dog safely in basement*
*perches in a tree with binoculars*
“You ruined everything.”
-People exaggerating when you only ruined like one or two things, tops
I HATE when people use song lyrics as their status! It makes. me wanna SHOUT! Kick my heels back and SHOUT! Throw my arms up and SHOUT..Etc.
My kids drop ice cubes on the floor, I dont pick them up anymore, I just wait about 30 minutes so I can lose it when I step in the water spot.
STYLIST: “What are you thinking?”
HIM: “This might sound weird…”
STYLIST: “Try me.”
HIM: “What if Abraham Lincoln and John Lennon gave birth to a fidget spinner?”
STYLIST: “I got this.”
Weighing your giraffe: a guide:
1) Become VERY strong
2) Weigh yourself
3) Weigh yourself again, holding your giraffe
4) Subtract figure one from figure two
I feel like things started going downhill when phones stopped being born with umbilical cords.
when I say “I want a boyfriend” I mean that I want to magically wake up one day in a peaceful and balanced 5 year relationship, not that I want to date or meet people or put in the effort towards making it a tangible reality
[introducing myself to new boyfriends parents]
“Hi, I usually don’t make it this far”
Pilot [over intercom]: This is your captain speaking, since you are here for 14 hours anyway, here is the first season of my podcast.
No, I was not playing with myself during the zoom meeting. I was petting my dog
I hate it when I’m by the window and make eye contact with someone outside, so I understand why this lady is shocked to see me up a tree.
Not to brag, but I’m NOT going to buy a fitness machine, like a Peloton, only to have it turn into a clothing rack.
I’m going to eat until I reach the point where I, myself, am the large, stationary clothing rack in the corner of a room.
TRUE STORY: My wife and I cleaned the house last weekend and found that we both have children from previous marriages.
My neighbor is power washing his driveway for the third day in a row so to make him stop I’m sending over a marriage counselor.
1997: I Know What You Did Last Summer
1998: I Still Know What You Did Last Summer
2006: I’ll Always Know What You Did Last Summer
2020: Say, Remember That Thing You Did 23 Summers Ago? No? Me Neither. In Fairness, it Was a While Ago. Never Mind. As You Were. Bye.
HER: do you have a retirement plan?
ME: [grew up on action movies] i’ll simply pull ONE LAST JOB
Doctor: Are you eating a balanced diet?
Me: *thinking about that one time last year I ordered coleslaw as my KFC side*
Me: yes.
house sitting!
Don’t count the days. Make the days count. Make the months do subtraction. Make the weeks recite the alphabet
an orca patiently sitting through a Geico commercial before it can watch a boat sinking tutorial on youtube
[my first day as an art teacher]
“before u start drawing let your eyes linger over the subject”
(it’s a dead bullfrog dressed as a cowboy)