My daughter’s coach described her attack approach as whimsical and gallop-y.
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The first rule of Running Late Club is get stuck behind a Prius.
how come some families are all, like, “we’re direct descendants of many important historical figures,” & my family is all, like, “that raccoon is your uncle cletus.”
THIS SIGN MAKES ME SO HAPPY 😊😊😊
Me: I played this as a kid. It’s from back when video games made sense
6-year-old: Why did you jump on a turtle?
Me: Because I’m a plumber
Me: Who is the most handsome man in the world?
Wife: Ewan McGreggor
Me: Thank you but you can only pick one
Brenda had wanted to surprise her husband with a camouflage theme Christmas tree but it’s almost March and they still can’t find it.
[first day of juice diet] my taco broke the blender
The guy at DQ gave me an extra chicken strip so I guess it will be a June wedding
Dear makers of Axe 3-in-1 shampoo, conditioner & body wash, I have no desire to buy your crap. I’m holding out until it’s also a car wax.
I feel so stupid — I just today learned that Stephen King and Burger King are brothers.
I lick all the grapes at the grocery store. It’s romantic. Some stranger is going home with my kisses on their grapes.
Autocorrect just changed faux pas to faux pasta and this gluten war has gotten out of hand.
Husband: The kids better not find out you ate their desserts.
Me in deep voice: Dead…men…tell…no…tales.
I like to keep my husband on his toes by texting, “How could you do this to me?” at least 2 times per day.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
What if life on Earth is just a video game for gods, and my guy has the crappy controller?
Dog: I will do anything for you
Human: drop the ball
Dog: nope
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Oh sure, a 3yo can get candy for not pooping their pants, but when I demand wine for successful defecation, I get sent home by HR.
[I open my lunchbox at work to find an apple]
“But that means…”
[Cut to Isaac Newton in 1666, jumping up from under a tree while wiping cold spaghetti out of his eyes]
Them: you smell nice
Me: thanks, it’s the dryer sheet I just found in my sleeve
Find someone to make you laugh everyday and if that doesn’t work find alcohol like I did.
I can’t bend my pinky without my ring finger bending as well..is this normal?
Let’s hear your results ’cause I know you just tried it.
Honk if you are flying south for the winter in a V formation.
Officer: It seems you have been drinking. Could you say the alphabet starting with the letter M?
No problem: Malphabet.
[PHONE]
“TSA, How can I help you?”
Me: “Why did you guys put my frog on the No-Fly List?!”
Agent: “Umm…”
Me: “DAMMIT, HE’S STARVING!”
Singin’ in the Rain (1952) but with a Velociraptor
***TRAVEL NEWS***
A truckload of E45 has overturned on its way to Sam from Cheers’ house. Agnetha from ABBA happened to be passing, so is helping to clear up the mess with a shovel.
See that girl.
Watch that scene.
Diggin’ the Danson cream.
My husband’s on a work Skype, so every few minutes I silently cross the room behind him dressed as a new character from Wicked.