Why does Africa get better animals than us? It’s like Africa woke up at dawn and went straight to the animal-picking office, and then all the other continents stumbled in hung over at noon.
You Might Also Like
The next time someone sneezes, please don’t say ‘God bless you.’
I just…I just need a day off from the sneezes, is that too much to ask?
2010 Drive-by: Someone wants you dead.
2020 Drive-by: It’s probably your birthday.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
[at my funeral]
So young, how did he die?
He ran into oncoming traffic after walking past a group of adults saying the word “bae”
I don’t want to brag but my mom said when I played soccer I was the best at watching the grass grow.
a perfect interaction just happened: a man at a bar came up to me and my friends and asked what we all did and I said I was a journalist and he said “oh like in spiderman”
Oh… Oh dear… it looks like my grandmother’s embroidered pillow may have stolen your tweet.
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
Having a panic attack thinking about how there’s somebody in Australia standing directly under me
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
[First day on the job with Scooby-Doo and the gang]
Me: ok this giant dog keeps eating my sandwiches
“Easy as pie” does not sound easy to me. Make it “Easy as Hot Pockets” or “Easy as eating six pickles straight out of the jar without even closing the fridge”
“Well this is silly”
– me describing a window sill
ME: *taking their hand* It’s okay. We all struggle with connecting.
RABBID RACCOON: *hissing & desperately trying to wrench its hand free*
🤣could you imagine
Stunning surveillance footage captured the moment a high school coach in Oregon disarmed a student with a shotgun and then embraced him. Police eventually arrived and took the student into custody.
Hubs sent me this text:
There’s no wrong way to tell the person you love that their beautiful.Me: *they’re.
School be like
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Why does anyone like period dramas?
They’re bloody awful
date: so wat do u wana do next
me: why dont we slip into somthing more…convertible
[climbs into ferrari]
date: omg wow is this ur car
me: no
Fridge smart enough to tell me l left the door open but too lаzy to just close it for me. Worthless.
ghosts: let’s only try to be seen by everyone’s aunts & no one else
Muffins – for people who don’t have the guts to order cake for breakfast.
People with fireplaces look at you funny when you say “oh I see you have a s’mores maker”.
“Sooth.”
-a soothsayer
I know blood in horror movies is just corn syrup, but it’s still terrifying because at this point, that’s basically all my blood is
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
TEACHER: what’s your favorite color?
ME: my favorite color is turkwoyse
TEACHER: spell it
ME: actually my favorite color is red
Team SnapChat: Merry Christmas!
Me (tear rolling down my cheek): they remembered