My daughter is worse than a twitter newbie..
She manually Retweets everything I say…
To my wife!
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6 year old: Daddy, what if the plane goes down? Me: Don’t worry, your mom is with us. She never goes down. 6 year old: What? Me: Want candy?
Big deal, snakes that can unhinge their jaw, I can unhinge my whole self.
m’lady
Me: It’s the next exit.
Husband: I know! You don’t have to keep telling me. *misses the exit*
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
[At bar]
BARTENDER: I dont think she wants to talk man
ME: [dabbing on pickle juice as cologne] I think I know what the ladies want pal
angel: why did you change the name to ’skunk’?
God: I thought ’stinky cat’ gave away the surprise
Put a picture of a random coworker on your desk to spice up the workplace
Doctor: You need a kidney transplant.
Me: A transplant?
Dr: Don’t worry, I’ve never lost a patient. I know where each one is buried.
Me:
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
“Hey, wanna hangout?” “Later.” “Now?” “No, later” “How about now?” “Jesus christ.” -if Adobe Updater was your friend
Husband: *gives me two pancakes*
Me: Hey! These paper plates say they hold up to 2 lbs of food.
Husband: And?
Me: Keep stacking, buddy.
Who knew opening this jar marked DANGER: Baby Spiders DO NOT OPEN would turn into such a can of worms
I react to seeing a pizza the way most women react when they see a baby. It makes me want another one of my own.
In my life Ive spent 90% of my money on drugs, drinking and women. The other 10% I wasted.
We interrupt this moment of self-isolation to focus on my withdrawals & strained relationship with my local bakery.
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
*spraaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaays Axe body spray*
~ guys with ponytails
*feels comfortable*
comfortable: *slaps hand away*
iron man: it’s not gonna work
me: trust me [walks up to thanos, takes off my glove and slaps him in the face with it] good sir, i challenge you to a duel
thanos: [starts to take off his gauntlet to return my slap but stops] oooo you almost had me
[outpost in the Arctic Circle]
“I’m quitting, here’s my 2 week notice”
BOSS: The days last 6 months here
“Sonofa…”
What is the difference between ignorance and apathy?
I don’t know, and I don’t care.
classic mixup
I’m not self medicating myself with booze. The guy at the liquor store wrote me a prescription.
Well he called it a receipt…whatever.
[Writing Batman theme]
WRITER: So it starts by saying “Batman.”
PRODUCER: Well that makes sense, just once?
WRITER: 23 times.
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you just make noise for awhile.
PRODUCER:
WRITER
PRODUCER:
WRITER: Then you say Batman again.
Hypnotist: When I count to three you will wake up
Me: Then don’t count to three
Every guy feels macho in his car. Until he races a woman who’s late for something.
A measles outbreak? Weird. You’d think in this day and age, they’d have invented something to protect against that.
As I was being put under for my colonoscopy, I apparently announced to the room, “Y’all are in for a real treat” and then passed out. 😭😭😭