he died doing what he loved: trying to find out if gang members are ticklish
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5 things I hate:
-complainers
-list makers
-hypocrites
-people who don’t finish what they start
ME: I fell off a 50 ft tall ladder once
GIRL: holy cow how did you survive
ME: I fell off the bottom rung
Whenever people say they’re willing to do “whatever it takes” to “make it in Hollywood” they never mean “patiently work on their craft”.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
You give me something. It’s mainly indigestion and the creeps but that’s something.
The biggest lie commercials ever told me was that some day I’d be at a party and some beautiful person would show up with a bag just overflowing with McDonald’s cheeseburgers.
Why spend money on a paper shredder?
Do like I do and just leave important documents in your pockets and run them through the washer.
When I tell prospective employers that I’m open to new challenges what I mean is I will immediately find ways to hide in plain sight, arrive late and leave early.
Boss: did I hear you call me a twat?
Me: recently?
Welcome to your 40’s: you’re older than your doctor now.
Kissing: first base
Under shirt stuff: second base
Under pants stuff: third base
Taking two to make a thing go right: Rob Bass
Our homeschooling curriculum includes: Honors Laundry and AP Vaccumming.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Cute neighbor mows her lawn almost naked, so I sneak over there at night and sprinkle Miracle-Gro all over her yard.. costly but so worth it
I’m “made an ashtray in art even though my parents don’t smoke because that was the assignment” years old.
I could have been a monk but I missed my chants
Thomas Jefferson’s dad’s name was Thomas Jefferdad. Really makes you think
Sadly learned my family is racist. I started dating a black girl. Brought her home to meet the family. Wife and kids wouldn’t talk to her.
I love how all the movies about teenagers have to be set in the 90s or earlier otherwise we’d just be watching kids on their phones for two hours
Dear women,
3 reasons why you need to accept we men are mature.
No 1. We know what upsets you.
No 2.
Hahahahahaha… I said “number 2”
I don’t know why these Jehovah’s Witnesses won’t give me their addresses in case I think of something more to shout at them.
I use my teethbrush then go play feetball and commit arms robbery. Just giving you a head up.
– people with the right amount of body parts
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
HIM: if you have a moment, I’d like to talk to you about Jesus
ME: are his grades slipping again
Another wooden ball!!! Would it kill the makers of avocados to put a different toy inside?? I have like 12 already
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
If he says “you’re 1 in a million” it means he either has no knowledge of the world population or he thinks there are 7000 people like you
A cop just yelled at me and took away my glow sticks. That’s the last time I go to a search party.
Date: you’ve already made me laugh, you can do no wrong
Me: challenge accepted.