the nice thing about my ADHD is that if my apartment is haunted I will literally never notice it
“silly me, always leaving these cupboards and drawers open and the sink running at full blast,” I say, as a frustrated ghost screams into a pillow in the corner
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[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
SATANIST #1: we need a lot of blood for this ritual
SATANIST #2: yeah but how can we carry it all
KOOL AID MAN: why is everybody staring at me
This day in history. 1976. 80-year-old choreographer Busby Berkeley died tragically when he wandered absently into a circle of high kicking showgirls.
[sits backwards in chair so i look cool]
date: you’re gonna miss the movie
Milkshakes might bring the boys to your yard, but burnt garlic toast brings firefighters to your door.
If I was a zombie I’d be selective about which brains I ate.
Some of you would be empty calories.
[Me as 911 Operator]
*phone rings*
I wait for it to stop ringing and text back “what’s up”
A man just assaulted me with milk, cream and butter.
How dairy
Worst part of being an idiot is always forgetting it. If I was a smart person, I’d remember I was an idiot from the start and plan around it
I feel confident that the person who created banana Laffy Taffy had never even seen a banana.
Being popular on Facebook is like being the smartest kid in summer school.
Imagine you were a vampire nowhere near the Middle East and don’t know who Jesus is but the day after he dies you gotta figure out why lower case t’s started hurting.
“No, it’s not me” 😂💀
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
OMG 🤣🤣
The concentration of salt in ham is so high, you could float on a lake of ham and never sink.
Scientists say North America is going to sink into the ocean but we can change that.
With a healthy diet and a little bit of exercise.
Yeah… My camera adds 30 pounds. But Photoshop takes it back off.
A group of eavesdroppers is called a heard.
I asked when my gym membership was up and the dude said “day before Valentine’s Day” like I’m some genius who knows when Valentine’s Day is.
Just getting romantic with the wife when our slow cooker set off our smoke alarm so yes, I was crock blocked.
Guy Who Invented the Jet Engine: this will revolutionize the travel industry
Guy Who Really Hates Geese: yeah that too
The older I get, the more I relate to those angry elderly people who go around biting others.
My lasagna just took a picture of me and posted it on Instagram
Me: *giving my wife puppy dog eyes*
Wife: WHERE THE HELL DID YOU GET THESE?
My car spider built a web across my steering wheel & now I can’t go anywhere.
Me: “It’s important to stay hydrated”
Coastguard: “Not this important: now grab the rope”
Most problems can be traced back to the day you were forced to watch your teacher put a condom on an unsuspecting banana
Just when the world was convinced Canadians were normal, we published a recipe for ketchup cake on our ketchup bottles.
I always feel bad for seedless watermelon because what if they wanted to have babies.