Looking for someone willing to kill a man who has wronged me. Unfortunately I can’t pay but would be good exposure for an emerging murderer
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Those Weren’t Raisinets: A Mouse Tale
In the name of “Hell Kitty”, an army of children wages a bloody and unholy war.
“It was just a typo,” sobs Glenn, ex-Tshirt factory worker.
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
I’ll never understand why the guy that invented braille didn’t just put the dots in shape of the actual letters.
if anyone is picking on you, it’s really themselves they have a problem with, I promise
[When Harry Met Sally, 1989]
HARRY: Hey
SALLY: Sup
*roll credits*
Amazon prime in the future:
Your baby will be delivered between 1 and 4pm tomorrow
Your baby was left near the front door or porch <photo> How was your delivery?
Intelligence:
Below average – Loves Joe Rogan
Average – Thinks he’s okay and listens occasionally
Above average – Despises Joe Rogan
Genius level – Never heard of Joe Rogan
Top 1% genius – Have never heard of Joe Rogan but are scheduled to be on his show next week
Women aren’t hard to read
For example: When she looks you in the eyes, puts her hair in a ponytail, then starts throwing all your shit out
You’re done bro
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
A lot of parenting includes slow blinking at your child when they do something stupid while you mutter to yourself that they take after your spouse.
“I just tried to make reservations at the library”
You don’t need a res-
“Couldn’t get one though”
Don’t do this
“They were fully booked”
Forget ‘Drive like your kids live here,’ drive like you have 4 large diet cokes on your passenger seat
If you guys know anyone, I’m in the market for a mannequin head that’s missing both eyes and has dark hair…please, no weirdos.
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
worm gf: would you still love me if i was a beautiful woman
7yo: “Who’s singing this?” Me: “Franz Ferdinand.” 7yo: “But, he died in 1914.” Me:
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
Buys a cheap box of wine and parties like it’s $19.99
*shows up to the funeral in the same outfit as the deceased*
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
my neighbor: the wife and i are having trouble in the bedroom
me: oh no, ghosts?
ENTER PASSWORD.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
WRONG.
RESET PASSWORD.
NEW PASSWORD CAN’T BE OLD PASSWORD.
sets fire to computer
I keep checking my bank account like a hungry person checking an empty refrigerator. Neither one is going to magically be full.
Who the hell does that in a sock?!?
*squishes out of the room*
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Nothing scares me more than when my husband answers me and I’m left wondering just how much he’s actually been listening.
Ted Mosby, in the year 2030, told the story of how he met his children’s mother and HE NEVER MENTIONED THE CORONAVIRUS ONCE
Glad my new mirror came w this manual. Let me see how this works.
Captain: relax, it’s just a title
Second Mate: WHAT DOES HE MEAN TO YOU