Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
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Hedgehogs would seem far less adorable if they had more relevant names like ‘Stabbyrabbit’ or ‘Weaponrat’
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Librarian “SHHHHH”
*Turns lawnmower to low setting*
Mothers just don’t eat their young like they used to.
Barnabas had a lazy eye.
The other, however, was a real go-getter.
[Me, being lowered into my grave.
Email still buzzing nonstop]Zillow: 7 new burial plots just listed in your area
Target: 20% off all women’s death shrouds
Amazon: It’s never too late to treat yourself from your wishlist
[at Red Lobster]
WAITRESSES: *run toward me*
ME: Red Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *stop*
ME: Green Lobster!
WAITRESSES: *run*
MANAGER: Okay, SIR…
My 3 year old is helping me make crepes this morning. So far in the mixing bowl there are 2 eggs, 1 cup of flour and 1 measuring cup.
How do you like your Corgi?
Maybe Jehovah’s Witnesses keep knock knock knocking because they’re looking for Heaven’s Door.
You don’t know.
Autocorrect just changed “I’m wise” to “I’m wide” so I should probably put down this donut.
Brenda from work unfollowed me on here so now I have to follow her around the office all day reading my tweets like a news broadcaster
Army recruiter: “Do you have what it takes to destroy the enemies of our nation?”
Me: *Using recruiter’s mug to peacefully relocate a spider
“Oh absolutely, I’m a killing machine.”
Why did they call it bacon fat and not oinkment omg I’m so sorry
My boss: hey you got a sec?
Me: I have all the secs
Boss: what?
Me: what?
My dentist calls himself the “tooth guy” because he’s fun and laid back and unlicensed.
Zebras? Oh, you mean horse referees
Doc: So where’d you get your stage name?
Prince Charming: This is my real name
Doc: Right
Grumpy: Sounds legit *rolls eyes*
Prince Charming: You doubt me? I saved your beloved Snow White!
Doc: You made out with an unconscious lady
Prince Charming:
Grumpy: Charming indeed
My husband found me lying on the sofa and told me that the kitchen was a complete mess. I said, “I know. That’s why I’m not in there.”
IAN: Just how do fleas jump so high?
ME: Your guess is as good as mine
I: I reckon they wear tiny tiny Air Jordans
M: Ok I take that back
Can I donate fat instead of blood?
The cabana boy was flirting with me at the pool, and my daughter told him he should go get some water if he was that thirsty. I can’t stop laughing.
ME [licking my fingers clean]: do you have a plate for the bones
CORONER: what the hell have you done
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Shania Twain marrying her best friend’s ex husband after her husband and best friend had an affair is some count of monte cristo level shit
Car salesmen: Good evening
Me: TAKE IT EASY PAL I’M JUST LOOKING AROUND
You don’t scare me. You’re not those two minutes when I can’t find my wallet.
Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.
I ordered some stuff online & they tossed a huge pack of bandaids in the box (that I didn’t order) like they’d met me.