i’m in a comfy dress today, but i look like a potato in floral. call me nelly flortato.
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I identify as whoever’s credit card I just found
Interview Tip #3
speak with confidence but don’t oversell yourself
[later]
Interviewer: what makes you think you’d be good for this role?
Me: *confidently* nothing
[playing 7 minutes in heaven]
doctor: ok lol plug him back in now
What am I gonna do with a river?
Could you cry me a beer?
Teens think they have an all-purpose insult for uncool people over 30 with “OK boomer”, but little do they know uncool people over 30 are about to deploy our most devastating weapon against it: ruthlessly appropriating it until it’s cringingly uncool to say it in any circumstance
Apiarist: Don’t! Stop!
Bee: *leaving*
Accidentally played Pearl Jam and now every 40 year old white guy is sprinting towards my house
Family dinner. I was halfway through my 2nd egg roll before I realized everyone else at the table had been praying for the last 7 minutes.
I just found out that they made an entire movie based on my favorite Will Smith song “Men in Black.”
Hi Barbara? Yeah I just saw the posters you put up and no, I have not seen your cat but I’d love to. Is now a good time to come take a look?
My kid found a Disney movie marathon on tv and I found Captain Morgan in the freezer. Life is about balance.
Can’t, The Thundercats need me.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
Wouldn’t it be great to be a dog or a cat so you could just walk up to people whenever you wanted & lay down beside them & demand they pet you all over your body – not just when you’re really drunk out in public?
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
It’s hard to take my lawyer seriously when his Peppa Pig mask is upside down
if cupid went bow hunting would the deer population increase or decrease?
Be careful when you follow the masses sometimes the M is silent
Having someone sing you to sleep is so comforting.
Until you realize you live alone.
Clearly my autocorrect has ship to say
I got a new skirt, can you see my underwear? *cartwheel*
No.
How about now? *handstand*
I’m sorry ma’am, you need to leave the library.
You get a green perennial vegetable, you get a green perennial vegetable, EVERYBODY GETS GREEN PERENNIAL VEGETABLES!
– Okra
I was sad to have to throw my son out of home, but it was either him or the cat.
My daughter has been rewatching Moana repeatedly, and there is a rooster named HeiHei.
I told my wife, “did you know Moana originally had 3 chicken characters? Besides HeiHei they also had YuYu and I-Don’t-Like-Your-Girlfriend….”
WIFE: That won’t work
ME [planting bird seed] do you want a bird or not, Linda?
88% of parenting is begging your kids to blow their nose.
“I promise to defend you from a zombie apocalypse or alien invasion, but if it’s a werewolf attack, it’s every man for himself.”
“The bride has also written her own vows.”
Before asking for my advice, remember that I’ve been stuck upside down in a tree three times this week
Me: My wife says I never pay attention
Her: I’m not your wife
someone just broke into my house and inhaled all my air guitars