Installed a new high-tech toilet. It’s now holding my bathroom hostage and demanding a Wi-Fi password.
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My dogs are so stupid. They keep wanting outside even though they know it’s freezing out and they want right back in in 5 minutes.
*gives them a cookie when they come in*
My dogs are so stupid.
Me in my 20’s: I graduated with honors
Me in my 40’s: I beat Waze to work
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
*medication may cause
– hair cramps
– tongue mold
– restless skin syndrome
– pomegranate ear
– swamp lip
– knee teeth
[car appreciation parade for child’s teacher]
Me [hanging out window with paper]: HOW ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO #5?!?
Can I come over. I got the zoomies and you have an open floor plan
ME: (dead silent)
ALEXA: I can hear your heartbeat.
Not everyone thinks of Cleopatra as beautiful.
That’s just how Julius Caesar.
My southern mother passive-aggressively reorganized my refrigerator in the ten minutes she was left alone with it and now I can’t find the cream cheese
3: I’m going to say hi to that boy on the bike
Boy rides by & she waves shyly after he passes
3: He didn’t hear me
Me: Flirting’s hard
Her: Dude, back off. You’re totally scaring away all the hot guys checking me out at the gym.
Me: You do realize I’m your boyfriend right?
[Audition for the musical Cats]
Director: Act like a cat for me
Me: I’m not doing anything to impress you
Director: Perfect
When I say, “No problem,” I mean, “YOU REMEMBER THIS FAVOR FOREVER.”
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
I have sitting jeans and I have standing jeans, but I don’t have a pair that’ll do both.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
Yes, milk from cows tastes nice. But to the person that first found that out..you have issues bro
Everyone’s “the nicest guy in the world” until the police are in the backyard digging up 17 bodies.
I baked cookies in an EZ Bake oven when I was eleven and now they’re ready.
Him: whatcha thinkin bout?
Me [already half way out the window]: our future.
i’m eating chili cheese fries past 7 pm like i’m not someone who pulled a back muscle on the toilet reaching for the toilet paper roll.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I consider sexual harrassmemt a compliment. I mean they only do it if your hot right?
Friend: your parents must have had you young
Me: I mean, I couldn’t have been any younger
God: You finish all 11 commandments?
Moses: About the 11th one…
God: What?
Moses: Check yourself before you wreck yourself?
God: Fine, 10.
Which essential oil is best for getting people to stop talking to you
Dog owners be like this is Spike he’s a purebred pedigree worth $13 000 and cat owners be like this is Lord Theodore Willis The Third he’s orange and we found him in an alley
😂💯
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
Ditching twitter and becoming a LinkedIn influencer who only posts things like “Didn’t write a cover letter? Then you didn’t want the job.”