[a trampoline that allows me to get from the couch to the fridge in one bounce]
You Might Also Like
I bought a keg and bagels today. That’s what kegel is, right?
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who asked for oatmeal and you have the audacity to give them oatmeal.
Boss: You’re
Me: Doing great?
B: No, I’m letting you
M: Have the corner office?
B: go.
M: Why?
B: Constantly completing my sentences wrong.
I bought the extended play version of Layla in 1972 and it just ended
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
And a special thanks to Autocorrect for changing “Busy juggling”
to “Busy jiggling”
[to the realtor showing me a property on sesame street] wait is that a vampire
Sometimes I’ll show my husband the chewed up food in my mouth just so he’s reminded of the delicacy and beauty of the flower he chose.
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
high difficulty level escape room concept: u are laying in bed and u have one hour to get out of bed
Dad: (tears in eyes) you’re going to make a fine dad someday
Son: (tears in eyes) should I make him out of wood or metal
Dad: (just bawling)
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
2 things I hate;
1)Hypocrites
2)and people who don’t finish anyth
Had some boneless watermelon for dinner and it was delicious.
why does the radiologist run behind that wall like they just pulled the pin out of a grenade wtf
I don’t use dating sites, I meet girls the old fashioned way: never
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Should I buy a pizza? Heads I do, tales I ignore the coin.
I’m at a stage in my life where I know I should workout and eat healthy, but swallowing a tapeworm seems easier.
Me: Close your eyes. Give me your hand, darling. Can you feel my heart beating? Do you unders…
Dr:(removes stethoscope) Really? Everytime?
Janice, from HR: Ok, so we’re clear. From now on no biting, right?
Me: Yeah, whatever. *adds “influenced policy” to my resume*
When a duck takes a selfie, it makes a lonely white girl face.
Telling my toddler not to chase the cat around with her nunchucks is easily the coolest thing I’ve ever said as a dad or a human.
#dnd #ttrpg
my neighbor is SO SWEET she somehow decided all of us neighbors on both sides love wind chimes SO MUCH she bought wind chimes for her backyard
It’s going to be really hot over the next couple of days so please remember to leave out a wee bowl of cider & blackcurrant incase a goth comes into your garden.
me: [waking from coma] how long was I out
doc: two years, but I have terrible news
me: what
doc: it’s still March
Husband: Quick. What’s this song?
Me: Awful.
Samwell: My dog, Pongo?
Daenerys: Run over by a carriage.
Samwell: My goldfish, Goldie?
Daenerys: Eaten by the cat.
Samwell: My cat?
Daenerys: Choked on the goldfish.