Me: Grab me the red one
Dog: Not funny
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On the surface: cool as a cucumber…
On the inside: squirrel in traffic…
Hi, I’m pleased to announce that I’ve arrived just in time to make everything worse
If you’re not going to learn the language of the country you’re visiting, at least take interpretive dance lessons.
[first rap battle]
me: call me artisanal burger because i’m falling apart
opponent: please stop crying
She died as she lived—shouting expletives at a box of cling wrap.
Daughter: Finally got a workout in today.
Me: Where? The basement?
Daughter: No, up in my room.
Me: What did you do? An obstacle course?
Daughter:
Is this cat saying Meow or Mao? Cause I’m not keepin some commie cat
ME WHEN A NORMAL BUG IS ON ME: Eww.
ME WHEN A LADYBUG IS ON ME: Evening, ma’am.
[bar]
CUSTOMER: Barman
BARMAN: Sir?
C: This beer tastes like piss
[further down the bar]
BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having
If people ever criticize you for being too short, they are literally saying that the worst thing about you is that there isn’t more of you.
men are simple creatures
If really good-looking people are “eye candy” I guess that puts me somewhere around the “eye broccoli” category.
No school, Day 1
7:15am: we have puzzles, activity books, stickers… we’ll get through this!
8:03am: *googles boarding schools with no coronavirus*
The guy in the office next to me is trying to save the company $1.7 million dollars from the IRS. Meanwhile I’m busy googleing “whale dongs”
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
Aladdin: I can show you the world
Jasmine: lets go to New York!
Aladdin: hold on
Jasmine: then London
Aladdin: wait
Jasmine: and then-
Aladdin: listen you wanna see Agrabah I can show you Agrabah
what if wolves are onto something? maybe we’ll be happier if we scream at the moon every night
Me: I like your Prince tattoo.
“It’s my mother.”
Me: Your mother is Prince?
Breaking news:
*in hell*
satan: dude you gotta stop following me around
me: I don’t know anyone else here I feel awkward
Favourite diary entry ever
Me, age 21: I bet I can cannonball into the pool from the balcony of this Super 8
Me, age 51: I have to wait ten seconds after I stand up until the factory settings in my body reset
I’ll play duck-duck-goose and give all gooses. I don’t give a duck.
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
These are too funny not to post 😂
I’ve been dieting for a little over a week and I already gained three pounds.
When everybody knows my name I’ll find a new place…
Got tazed at the zoo again for telling a group of kids that the dominant male in a pride of lions was called ‘The Mane Man’.
I have a new alter ego named Princess of Optimism. You may call me Poo.