been searching for the right mix of relaxing sounds to help me sleep and i tried nature noises but they ended up freaking me out like one of them had so many frogs. one frog is ok but this was too many frogs. like an army of frogs. who can sleep when there is a war on the bayou
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7: I’m thinking of a number between 1 and a thousand million
Me: Thats great!
*I walk away
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
[Therapist appt.]
Hub: She doesn’t have her priorities straight.
*Me on FaceTime with a petting zoo in the background* “That’s not true”
Show me someone who says “once you try black you never go back” and I’ll show you someone who’s never had an overripe banana.
Wild-eyed guy passed me in the grocery store hissing “applesauce” but I can’t tell if he was looking for it or running away
As an automobile advocate, I am begging people to stop using the term “Accident” and instead use “Car interaction”.
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
If you try something new and you aren’t immediately awesome at it, say it’s stupid and never try it again.
When things are getting tough, I ask myself, “What would Jesus do?”, then I hide in a cave for three days
my only request if I ever get murdered is that you don’t let it be solved on a podcast
Breaking Bad – Season 05 Episode 14 – Frame 640 of 2834
You know what has zero calories and zero carbs? A nap.
I’m don’t feel trying anything new, I’ll just have pizza missionary style tonight.
DATE: So it says on your profile that you’re a contractor.
ME: I’m.
HER: Check please!
Dr: well i have good news and bad news
Me: give me the bad news
Dr: you have cancer
Me: what’s the good news
Dr: i don’t
I put basketball in my Apple Watch Fitness and it asked me to update my will.
Her: I’m having a dry party.
Me: Sorry, I’m busy.
Her: You don’t even know when.
Me: You don’t even know me.
Relationship status~ Siri saw my browser history & now she isn’t talking to me either
i think only bears should have the right to bear arms
ME: i honestly only had one drink
WIFE: i don’t believe a word you just said
ME: no, i swear *pulls out dictionary* they’re all real
[At Wedding]
Priest: And do you take me as your lawfully wedded wife?
Me: I do. WAIT A SECOND
Priest: TOO LATE. YOU’RE MINE NOW, IDIOT.
We’re not staying up to see in the New Year, we’re staying up to make absolutely certain that the old year is dead. Bring weapons.
You ever rub yourself with tuna and go to a cat shelter to seem like you’re a cat whisperer?
Doc: We’re gonna need a bigger straightjacket.
According to my neighbor’s rooster, it’s 5am now.
Also according to my neighbor’s rooster, we’re having fried chicken for dinner tomorrow.
So let me get this straight, she shot someone through the heart and the worst thing you can say about her is that she gives love a bad name?
according to my research, maximum work from home productivity can be reached when you wear a towel all day and lie about your camera not working
Me: Let’s role play. You be a jogger out for a run, & I’ll be the body you stumble across.
Him: So you’re planning on just laying there, like always.
A beloved neighborhood bagel shop called Schmear We Go Again
How to answer the door:
1. See person has arrived
2. Wait for doorbell
3. Count to five
4. Open and act surprised